Thursday, December 30, 2010

Follow up

Today we met with my gyno to discuss our appointment  with the  reproductive endocrinologist.  We're still in limbo waiting to see if the Hubby's surgery was successful.

Next week I am having some blood work to check my ovarian reserve.  I am also having an ultra sound to check my ovaries for cysts.

If my US and blood work come back normal, we will try on our own until we get The Hubby's results (Feb)  If The Hubby's results are normal we till try a few rounds of IUI before moving into IVF.

If either of our results come back abnormal, I will start birth control, and shut everything down until we are ready to move into IVF.

I never imagined I would be dealing with this....Infertility doesn't happen to people like me.  I come from a stalk of breeders, none of which had any problem conceiving.  I   dreamed of my whole life of becoming a Mother. 

I know that all hope isn't lost. Some way some how I will become a Mother.  It might not be how I imagined but it will happen.  I will be a Mother.

Monday, December 27, 2010

This one takes the cake!!

For Christmas my Dear (ha ha)  Mother in Law bought me a book called Make Me Your Choice.

After first I didnt know what the book was about I just seen the pregnant belly on the cover and shoved it back into the gift bag. I'm an emotional wreck and pregnant belly's make me cry.

Make Me Your Choice Book

When my Mother In Law went into the other room, I took a peak to see what it was about.  I assumed it was a book about miscarriage or infertility. Boy was I wrong

It's a pr0-life Christian book about peoples struggles after an @BORTION.

I mouth to hubby who was sitting across the room " its about abortion, WTF" 

I was so dumbfounded I didnt say anything.  We left, came home, and looked over there book.

It talked about how abortion is playing God, how  selfish it is, etc.

We decided to go back to MIL's house.

As soon as she opened the door, I handed her the book and said "i'm not sure if you read the back of this book, but its about abortion."

She said "yeah I know I thought you could relate to the stories."


I muttered something along the lines of "I cant relate my baby died, I didnt have an @bortion."

I walked out.  Totally speechless.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

On a lighter note!

I just read my last few blog posts, talk about a downer!  I've had sometime to digest our latest news, and feel slightly better.

On a more positive note I talked with our worker at DFACS, and she had submitted a letter to our old agency requesting our information.  Our agency agreed (but has yet to send the info).  She told me we should be up and running by Mid January!  I was also told that every foster home in our area is full.

The hubby and I will be having a very low key Christmas.  We didnt put up a tree this year, and we are not buying each other gifts.  Instead we will just spend time loving on each other!

I will be off work from the 24th until the 3rd of January!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


My heart is breaking  I wish there was someone I could speak with someone who understands what i'm dealing with.   I haven't been very active in the bloggy world because I am struggling. I cannot understand what I have  done to deserve so much heartache. I try very hard to be thankful for the things that I do have, but parts of me are missing.  I am broken into pieces, and it hurts deeply.

I wish my Mum was around, she would know what to say to comfort me.

I promised myself I wasn't going to blog about my infertility issues, but it feels good to get it all out.

Today my husband and I ventured to Florida to meet with a reproductive endocrinologists.  I decided not to tell anyone about the appointment. I guess I was hoping for good news, that way no one would have to know.

Of course we didn't get good news.

The RE give us a 3% chance of having a healthy pregnancy on our own.

He said I am at high risk for having a ectopic pregnancy because of all of the scaring left over from my endo.

He has little faith that hubby's surgery will help his count (based on his experience it rarely helps)

He is concerned that the longer we wait the more damage the endo will do to my reproductive organs. (its already coming back)

He also said that the endo could cause more damage to my already damaged ovaries.  He said  that they will  slow down in function or stop functioning all together.

He said we should bypass IUI and go straight to IVF.

He recommends that I get on strong birth control to "shut down" everything until we are ready to move forward with IVF.

Anyone got 10K I can borrow?

I don't understand how we were able to achieve pregnancy only a few months ago. And now we're being told IVF is the only way to go.  HUH? 

What kind of cruel joke is that?

Saturday, December 4, 2010


I'm just now sitting down to write  about our Thanksgiving!  We spent Thanksgiving with my two sisters, and their family on our favorite little Island.  Hubby and I arrived the night before everyone else.  We got up extra early and ventured to Savannah to do some shopping.   Around lunch time we headed back to the Island for lunch, and ran home for a quick nap before my sister L and family showed up.  We spent the rest of the day hanging around the house.  My Sister did some baking, and I did some eating! We played Uno with the kids until bed time. Around 1am my other Sis N showed up with her two kiddies.  I helped her get them settled and then we all went to bed.

For Christmas all of my Nieces, and Nephews got the book, The Elf On The Shelf.  It was a big hit!

Thursday was spent cooking, and eating, and hanging out at the beach.  My sisters and I headed out around 8pm to do some crazy shopping.  We stood in line at toys r us with 3,000 other people for several hours, but we got everything we went for! After Toys R US we hit up the dreaded Wally-World! I scored a shark steam mop for $36 bucks! We got home just after 2am.

Friday morning we hit up some more sales, this time we had the kids and husbands in tow! In the afternoon we made a ginger bread house.  The house was a complete flop (not to self get ginger bread men next year) because  of the humidity levels.  Friday night we played cards, and stay up too late.

Saturday  morning was spent chillin. Around noon we went over to the park. About 2pm my Sis N and the kids hit the road for the eight hour drive home. The rest of us went into Savannah for some ice cream, and shopping.  We caught the tale end of the  Savannah boar parade.  We grabbed some food, and headed  back to the house.  We cleaned up, and went to bed. By 11am Sunday we were all back on the road home!

A good time was had by all, the weather was lovely, and the kids did their best to behave!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Its has been three years since I saw you last. 

Three long years how can that be? 

It all happened so quickly.

In Oct 2006 she was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer.

In December 06  she had a mastectomy, and started chemo.

In May 07 she was finished with her treatment, and her cancer was in remission.

Cancer was a thing of the passed, my Mum had beat it.  It was "only stage one" Which has a 98% survival rate.

In September 07 she was in Scotland, having a grand time.  Half way into her trip she developed a nagging cough.

When she returned home she went to the doctor, who diagnosed her with pneumonia. 

For weeks the doctors pumped our mum full of antibiotics  trying to rid of her the pneumonia that we assume she had caught on the flight.

September turned into October, and the cough was still hanging around.  Mum was becoming tired,

One night in Oct, 2007 Mum couldn't breath, Jeff (my step dad), took her to the hospital.  She was treated for pneumonia, as well as a collapsed lung.

Test after test, we were told she had pneumonia, a collapsed lung, and a Pleural effusion.

  So much time was wasted, before we found out the real issue. 

The cancer had returned.  It had metastasized to our Mothers lungs causing her lungs to collapse, fluid to build up, and in the end, taking her life.

What went wrong?

How can something with a 98% cure rate, take someone's live in a matter of weeks.

Once it was rediscovered , she had no chance,no chance at all of beating the cancer.

Too much time had been wasted.

Why was she given the all clear in May?

and then again in August?


Why did they say it was pneumonia?

Why didnt they do more tests?

Why didnt they treat her sooner?

Why did she have to suffer?

Why did we have to watch her suffer?

Why did she have to die?

Sunday, November 21, 2010


I spoke with the licensing  worker at the  DFACS office on Friday to see if she had heard back from our old agency.  She hasn't had time to contact them.  I hate waiting around!

We've done everything that we need to do with the exception of our drug test, but that is something the worker needs to set up.

Once she receives our home study from our agency (if they hand it over) then we will need an inspection.  After the inspection we submit all of our info the the county for approval. 


Let's hope it just doesn't take forever!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Today the hubs and I went into our local DFACS office  for finger prints.  The finger print lady was dumbfounded when I told her I wasn't a citizen of the good ole US of A. 

She spouted out "how come you have a valid US drivers licence?"  Hello I ain' t  here illegally. Sure I cant vote, but i'm allowed to drive!!


In all of finger print ladies years, she's never finger printed someone who wasn't a citizen. 

People assume because I have brown hair, hazel eyes, and speak  proper English that I must be American. I'm sure the Yankee/Scottish/Southern accent doesn't help!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Beach bound!

Hubby and I are heading to the beach next Tuesday.  We will spend Thanksgiving with my sisters, and their children.  I can't wait to see them!! Hard to believe the hubby and I got married 2 1/2 yrs ago at the same beach!

Friday, November 12, 2010

I'm tired..

Last night like many nights I cried myself to sleep.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, longing for a little baby I never got to meet.

I'm tired of being disappointed each month when my pregnancy test says "not pregnant".

I'm tired of  waking up at the same time each day to chart my BBT.

I'm tired of hearing people say "just relax it will happen."  "I never charted, and I have four kids"

I'm tired of putting on a front.  Acting like there is nothing wrong.

I'm tired of doctors offices, and surgery centers  (I've had two surgery's this year and 24 doctors appointments)

I'm tired of hearing people complain about how hard parenting is.  I would give my left leg to stay up all night with a crying baby.

I'm tired of pregnant friends complaining about morning sickness, and backaches.  I would gladly throw up every day if it meant my baby would still be here.

I'm tired of playing the waiting game. 

I'm tired of being bitter.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.

nkm kk ws2:6* n

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Hey what's going on?

After staying up late countless nights in a row I finally finished Lil' Man's life book.  However the case worker didnt show to pick it up.  GRRRRRR

Hubby is healing well after his surgery.  He was back to school three days later with all of his staples in tow!

Last night we had a "new foster parent orientation"  What a joke! We drove 45 minutes to another county to sign four papers and watch a 15 minute video!

Tonight is our monthly foster parent meeting.  We  don't need the training, but I still have to attend because I keep signing myself up to help out! This year I will be Christmas shopping for the 26 children currently in care. I'm also VP of the fundraising committee and the substitute treasure.

Oh and I make all the Easter baskets!

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Lil' Man's case worker called me today to let me know she will be over on Monday to pick up his life book. Apparently the new  case worker wants it.  Problem is i've only  scrapped  the first 6 months of his stay.  I spent all evening uploading pictures to one of the local pharmacy's.  My plan is to work on it all weekend, in-between work.

So I placed my order.. The little window pops up telling me I can pick my pictures up any time after 9;30am on November 15th? WTF?

I just spent over five hours sifting thru pictures on my computer, and uploading them to their damn site. 

(written Friday night)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Going fast!

Yesterday I had a physical for foster care.  Hubby will get his tomorrow.  Next Monday we have a mandatory two hour orientation.  The following Wednesday (the 17th)  we have an appointment to get our finger prints done! The only other thing left to schedule is a drug screening.

If our old agency hands over the home study and a few other important papers we will be ready to submit all of our info to the city by the end of the month!!!!

Finally something in my life is going at great speed in the right direction!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Its official!

I have lost my mind! I logged into facebook this evening, and burst out crying.  I was crying at all of my friends and family's kids dressed up for Halloween. I really need to get myself together.  I don't even know why I was crying. 

Maybe it's because last year we had Lil' Man to take trick or treating.  Just another reminder of what's missing in our life.

Maybe its a little bit of jealously because they have something I so desperately want.

Maybe next year.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's official!

As of yesterday we are no longer therapeutic foster parents.  We  began the paper work to get licensed via DFACS.  I was told on Tuesday by a higher up that if our agency releases our home study and training certificate that the process will be much faster.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Breaking up

Friday I got a phone call from our resource coordinator letting me know what training/paper work we needed to re-certify.   Hubby and I spent the weekend going over the pro's and con's of staying with them or switching to DFACS. We have decided to make the switch.

How does one break up with their foster care agency?

We've been with them for almost two years. The staff is great, and they offer a lot of support.  But the office is 59 miles away.  Whenever there is a mandatory training I have to take off work because of the distance.  We are responsible for brining any foster placement to the agency at least once a month. But those are all minor details.

The biggest issues if the lack of placements,and their  honesty. When we first signed up with them I asked over and over again "Do you routinely place children under the age of seven, as well as children with medical problems?"  Each time I was assured they do.   Since we have been with the agency they have only placed two children within our age range, one of which was Lil' Man.

Would it be wrong from me to send our agency's  director an email? Or do I need to suck it up and call?  What should  I say?

Today I spoke with DFACS.  It will take about four months for us to get a new license (annoying) Our training might carry over, but they cannot use the same home study.  Background checks  also need to be re-ran.

I'm getting tired of all this waiting!!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Sunshine and roses!

The weather has been gorgeous here lately.  Mid 50's in the morning and heating up into the mid 80's by 5pm.  The boys and I have been spending all of our free time out doors.  One day last week we hit up three parks and went on a golf cart ride!

Hubby is recovering well.  He had his staples removed last Thursday (a week post-op) they put steri-strips over the incision that should stay on for another week.  


On Friday the playgroup that I run is having our 1st Halloween bash.  I've got a lot to do between now and then.  Poor P doesn't even have a costume yet!

The construction has been put on hold for another week in order for the hubs to heal.  Hopefully we can start back on it soon. 

Today hubs and I spent the afternoon/evening in the big city (remember we live in the deep south) we went clothes shopping, to the book store and then to dinner. Then my dear hubby surprised me with a dozen roses.  He's simply the best!

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I am starting to get impatient waiting on a placement.  We have had several phone calls for older children but we have turned them down.  Given the type of work I do i do not want to take children older than seven.

I spoke with our agency's director yesterday to remind her about us.  She assured we would be the first people they contacted when they get a child under seven.

In the mean time we have decided that if we do not have a placement by the end of November (when our license expires) that we will give up our theraputic license and switch to DFACS.

I'm getting bored waiting for the phone to ring!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Lil' Man update

Lil Man's case worker just stopped by to get the rest of his belongings.   Last night I went around the house gathering the rest of his stuff.   This makes it all so finial. He's definitely not coming back.

I worry about him. 

His birth Mom failed him, his case worker has failed him, countless foster parents have failed him, and now you can add our name to the list.  Our "mission" was to get him ready to move onto his forever family.  We came very close...twice

But coming close isnt good enough. Look where it has ended. 

I worry about the type of home he's in now.  His case worker told me to hold onto his life book, and all of the things in his "keep box" (birthday cards, special things he's made, misc pictures, etc) because she's worried the current foster Mom would throw it away, or let him destroy it.

She said whenever she goes to see Lil' Man he asks "Are you here to take me to K and W's house?"  Several people have asked if its possible for us to go and visit him.  The answer to that is no, because of his special needs.  His brain doesn't function like a normal child's he's  traumatized.  Us visiting and then leaving could set him back for months or  even years.

At the end of the month he is getting a new case worker, one that has a small case load, and works with kids who have lingered in the system too long.  Her goal is to get him stabilized, and to hopefully get him adopted. I doubt she will be as forthcoming with us with information about Lil' Man so this may be the last update we get on him.

I hope he gets adopted into a wonderful family. Who knows maybe one day down the road we can behind to build our relationship all over again.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Week in review..

  • Monday: sprained my foot, worked 16 hours
  • Tuesday: Foot more sore than yesterday worked 12 hours
  • Wednesday: Teagyn's birthday-always an emotional day. Only worked 8 hours!
  • Thursday:Hubby's surgery 7am, home by 10, at work by 11:30.  Ran around after hubs with the boys in tow despite the fact that I am supposed ot be off my foot!?!
  • Friday:worked 12 hours, remembered my little bean while taking are of hubby
  • Saturday: Spent the day taking care of hubby ran errands in between.
  • Sunday-Was up by 8am, taking care of hubby, got called into work for a few hours, did 5 loads of laundry (i'm behind)

Can I have a re-do? Or at least a nap?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010

a candle

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Former President Ronald Reagan in 1988.

It  was officially recognized in the United States in 2006. October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day, a special day to honor and acknowledge babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, prematurity complications, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome-SIDS, illness, accidents, and other tragic causes.

In addition to your own personal tributes, it is asked that you light a candle at 7pm on October 15th, so that a continuous light will shine around the world in remembrance of our precious babies, gone too soon.

Surgery (updated)

Hubby has been in surgery for a little more than half an hour.  Keep your finger crossed all goes well!

***Surgery went well, hubby is at home resting in bed.  We have a follow up appointment in a week to have the stitches (OUCH) removed.***

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Ten Today

Happy 10th birthday my sweet sweet Angel. 

Teagyn was born on October 13, 2000 with a rare genetic  peroxisomal disorder by the name of D-bifunctional protein deficiency. Sadly on January 8, 2005 Teagyn lost her battle, and went home to be with God.

Teagyn was the light of our life, in her four short years she endured more, than most adults will in a life time. Despite her illness Teagyn lead a full life, she enjoyed playing with her daycare buddies, and her cousin  Jannae.

She liked painting, going to the park, playing in the backyard, eating chocolate, and of course drinking slurpees. Not a day goes by that her precious face does not cross my mind. I often wonder what she would look like, or what she would be "into" if she were still here on Earth.


Birthdays In Heaven

Are there birthdays in Heaven?

Does the angel blow his horn?

Announcing to everybody That this is the day you were born?

Can the stars be your balloons?

And angel food your cake?

Presents wrapped in moonbeams

All the angels helped to make.

Birthdays meant so much to you

They were always a big deal Birthday presents,

lots of friends and perhaps a special meal.

So I'll whisper a little prayer today

Asking everyone up above To sing you a Happy Birthday song

And give you all my love.

Author unknown

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Two left feet..

Yesterday out of the blue I came tumbling down.  It appears I tripped over thin air.  My right foot gave way as I was stepping forward which caused me to fall.  Some how my left foot ended up under my rear.

My poor husband freaked as  I lay on the floor with my foot in the air. I was not able to bend any of my toes.  They quickly turned purple, with a nice shade of bluish black mixed in.

To stop my husband from having a heart attack I told him I would go to urgent care. It appears I have severely sprained my foot, as well as all my toes.

I am able to bear weight, with a support boot on. 

Come Thursday hubby and I will be quiet the pair. 

Never a dull moment!

Friday, October 8, 2010


Last night I cried myself to sleep.  As each month passes its getting harder not easier. It seems everyone and their Granny is pregnant.  People ask "how are you doing." I just smile and say "okay" because they really don't want to hear what I have to say.

Since hubby's surgery is this month we're kind of in "limbo". If surgery is successful his count should  be normal by January.  January seems like a lifetime away.

We have waffled back and fourth trying to decided if we should go see the fertility specialist or not. I canceled the appointment we had on Wednesday.  By Thursday I was freaking out over the cancellation.  (NUTS)

It doesn't help that the phone isnt ringing.  Are we not even good enough (in God) eyes to be foster parents?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Lil' Man

Last week I left a message for Lil' Man's worker asking her to give me a call because I still have half of Lil' Mans stuff (she didnt have space in her car for all of it).  I have called several times, because its starting to get cold outside. Most of the stuff I have is winter clothes.  She told me she wont be coming until the end of the month (whatever)

She also told me that he has moved into a foster home (was in several respite homes).  He lives with a family that has their own 10 yr old daughter.  They live on a few acres and have horses.  I bet Lil' Man is enjoying the horses.

His behaviors have no improved.  They put him back on stimulants and he flipped.  He is semi under control at home, but still running away, and raging constantly at school.

Mrs A (the case worker) said that whenever she visits Lil' Man asks "are you here to take me to see K and W (me and hubby).  I regret that we disrupted the placement because he's no better off where he is now. I thought they would follow through with residential and he would get the help he needed. 

A new worker is taking over his case at the end of the month.  I doubt she will be as willing to chat with me about him and his case.  I told Mrs A I wanted our name and address written down and given to the adoptive family.  If and when he gets adopted.

Monday, October 4, 2010



  • We haven't had any other foster care calls
  • Hubby's home work is driving me nuts. It consumes ALL of his time.
  • Fall weather has finally hit, but its  supposed to be in the high 80's by the end of the week.
  • I've been working a lot of over time. The boys parents will both be out of town at the end of the week.  So we're moving into the big house for a few days.
  • For Thanksgiving we are meeting my sister (not sure if the other one is coming) at the beach! ROLL on NOV!
  • We decided to keep our apt with the fertility specialist.  Our apt is Oct 13th (Teagyn's birthday)
  • Hubs surgery is Oct 14th.

Nothing too exciting.  What's going on in your life?

Friday, October 1, 2010


Last week a local military man, Chief Petty Officer Mc  X  was killed in a helicopter crash in southern Afghanistan.  Today his friends, and family said good bye to him with  full military honors.  As the funeral procession made its with the the cemetery, thousands of us line the streets .  We stood waving flags in order to show our respect to his family, and to give our thanks to the400 military men and woman who where in attendance.

Tears rolled down my face as  I caught sight of his family. How proud they must be of their husband and son.

Death leaves a heartache No one can heal; Love leaves a memory No one can steal. RIP



My sweet niece Ava,five weeks old.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


My sweet little niece Teagyn should be turning 10 in a few weeks.  Isn't she beautiful?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Cheap entertainment at the car wash!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Way back in 2008 I cared for a little baby named Ella several over nights a week.   Ella was born prematurely, she was a poor eater and had a whole in her heart. 

Eventually she had to get a g-tube because she was loosing too much weight. 

At just over two years old she still has a lot of catching up to do.  Her Mom called me last week and asked if I was able to care for Ella one or two evenings a week.  Of course I said yes.

So I start my new adventure tonight.  I'm excited about this new adventure I think it will be a great distraction.

Friday, September 24, 2010

remember us

Hubby and I have enjoyed our alone time.  It has been great to reconnect with one another.  I could get used to being the center of his attention!  I've been getting spoiled!

However I am ready for another placement! Its been nearly three months since Lil' Man left. I emailed our resource coordinator and reminded her about us.  She said we are the first family she thinks of whenever she gets a call.  However calls for children within our age rage (under 7) are few and far between when your with a therapeutic agency.

I still dream of getting a medically fragile child.  While I don't want any child to be sick its a fact of life. I would rather than be placed here with us than in a nursing home if their parents are not able to care for them.

Fingers crossed!

Thursday, September 23, 2010


It turns out my husband has a Varicocele.  A Varicocele is swelling in the veins above the testies.  (he would so kill me if he knew I was posting this online!).  Its very common and typically causes no pain.  Thankfully it is very correctable.  So hubby will be going under the knife in October.  It typically takes a few months for the little buggers to start swimming correctly after surgery. 

We plan to cancel our appointment with the fertility specialist  so that we can see if the surgery was a success.  If i'm not knocked up by January we will re-make the apt.

Are we not a total mess in the baby marking department?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Under construction..

Hubby and I bought our little house back in the summer of 2007.  We spent six months renovating it before moving in.  Each day after work we would come to the house and work until 11pm, before heading back to the plantation to catch some Zzzzz's.  I hated it, and everything about it. After our renovation I refuse to lift a paint brush!

About two weeks ago we started in on another project.  This time we are putting down new hardwood in part of the house (the rest is already hardwood).  Simple right?


Our floor is uneven so started out by floating a sub-floor. Then we decided to move some walls and add another door.  On Sunday we started framing the new wall. Building a new wall, means sheetrocking.  Sheetrocking means painting.  Didnt I say I wasn't’ going to paint again?

We hope to be done within the next two to three week(ends). 

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Thank you

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments, and emails.  I did some research, made some phone calls, bawled my eyes out, and questioned God a lot.  We  meet with a urologist on Tuesday.  We also have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in October. I feel much better now that we have a plan.  Until then I am not going to worry about it, because it is what it is and I cant change it. 

Thanks again :)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Kicked again

As you all know I have endometriosis.  As a result of my endo I only have one fallopian tube.  I've been having a really hard time since our miscarriage in July.  Feeling like a failure unable to carry a baby blah blah blah...

On top of the above today we learned that my husband has a low sp*erm count. Really low.. how on earth did I pregnant?  Guess it only takes one.

My OB will no longer treat us.  She suggested that hubby make an apt to see a urologist and that we move fwd with a reproductive specialist.

I am at a loss.  Is it not bad enough that I have fertility issues and we lost our baby. Now hubby has issues too.

IVF is out of the question right now because of the cost.  Insurance covers none of it.

I've given up all faith in the big guy upstairs.  Im tired of getting kicked over and over again.

I am not against adoption but still not ready to give up the dream of carrying a baby.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Scrap that

We're not getting the little girl.  DFACS found a closer home.  I hate hate hate when they do that.  but what can I do.


We got a call for a four year old little girl who has a very traumatic passed. She is coming to us from another foster home. I have been assured her behaviors are nothing compared to Lil man's.

We said "yes"

I am waiting for our worker to call me regarding intake. A little girl oh my.  Dresses bows and all things pink! If only foster care were that easy.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I'm still here drowning in self pity.  I should be  almost 20 weeks pregnant. By now we would know the sex and I would be starting to show.  What should have been a magical time hurts ever so badly.

Before we lost our little bean I had no idea how devastating a miscarriage is.  It is the loss of a life. A loss of the.future. A part of that family is forever changed

For so many years i've longed to be a mother. I want to see my belly grow to hear its little heart beat and to feel it kick.  I came so so close only to have it taken away.

It hurts

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Never a dull moment

A squirrel inside of the house

Monday, September 6, 2010

What's going on?

  • Saturday was my birthday.  I'm one more year closer to thirty...OUCH! Hubby, and I spent the day being lazy.  I did not venture from my bed until 3pm!
  • A friend of mine (who is due a week before our little bean was due) posted the sex of her baby, followed by belly pics on facebook.  I had to delete her.  (I hate being jealous)
  • She re-added me... So then I "hid" her so that I cannot see her status updates. (I need medication lol)
  • Ive been in a lot of pain presumably from my endometriosis, or it could be scaring from the D&C.
  • I went to the Dr's on Friday because the longer I am not pregnant, the more endometriosis  is growing.  If we are not pregnant by Oct we will try un-medicated IUI.
  • I've been cleaning like a mad woman because it seems to be the only thing I can control in my life.
  • We started construction on our house (just updating and moving some walls around) So thankful I have a handy husband.
  • Hubby is in school five days a week.  He has to drive 90 miles round trip so I've been alone a lot lately.
  • In my spare time i've become addicted  to Super Mario Brothers.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Lil' Man

I talked to Lil' Man's case worker today.  He's on his fourth respite home, and will  be moved to a therapeutic home in a few weeks.  I miss that little guy so much. I wish that we could see him,  but I know that would only confuse him more.  I did tell his case worker that if this placement does not work out  that would be glad to take him back (don't tell my hubby lol). 

I still think the system sucks.  We're hanging in limbo trying to figure out what to do. My agency is getting sick of us turning down calls, but I dont really care at the moment.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Mr. Grumpy

I have a question, and I am looking for your opinion.

P, Willie B and I have been attending story time at our local library for over 4 yrs (before Willie B was even born).  There are a group of regulars that I have gotten very friendly with the exception  of Mr. Grumpy.

Mr. Grumpy has daughter P's age, and a son Willie B's age. He has been attending story time on and off for as long as I have. 

At our library they have a playhouse complete with a slid. ( no idea who's bright idea that was.) One day many moons ago Mr. Grumpy's daughter and P who were around two at the time where at the top of the slide together.  Mr. Grumpy's daughter refused to slide down.  After waiting a few minutes P pushed her on her back to make her slide down. The little girl was not hurt nor was she crying, but Mr. Grumpy didnt like what he seen and went total postal (nuts) on me. In turn I went nuts on him. I ended up leaving the library in tears.

This passed Friday my friends son J who is 3 yrs old, took a toy from Mr. Grumpy's son. Mr. Grumpy didnt like this either. Before my friend could correct her son Mr. Grumpy started shouting.  He SHOUTED "Hey kid you don't take toys from other people.  "Give it back now"  " Bad boys steal toys."  He proceeded to mumble stuff about how rude some peoples children are..blah blah blah

My friend took her son aside to consoled him.  I wanted to rip Mr. Grumpy a new one. Now I have no issue with someone correcting a behavior but he was way out of line with his tone as well as with his choice of words.   He could have said "hey buddy he was playing with that first, can you please give it back to him?" "When he's finished you can have a turn." Or he would have simply waited for my friend to correct her son.  How would you have dealt with this situation? because I am sure its gonna happen again.

Monday, August 30, 2010


My husband and I have always been the lovey dovey type.  We always walk holding hands and kiss at red lights.

I didn't notice how child centered our relationship became while we were parenting Lil man.

Obviously having a child let alone a child with severe mental problems changes the dynamics of a marriage.

But the changes it made in us where over the top.  We were so emotionally spent at the end of each day we didn't have the energy to make time for each other. 

I swore I would never be one of those wives who forgot about her husband once the kids come along.  But that is exactly what happened. Lil'man took everything i had.  At the end of the day i had nothing left to give.  The foundation of a happy family is a healthy marriage.

Thankfully we have reconnected over the last few weeks. Our relationship is stronger than before. We've even started kissing again at red lights.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Sweet girl

I became an Auntie again for the tenth time around four this morning.   I talked to my sister Nicola around 9pm and her contractions where all over the place. I received a text around 3:45am saying they where on their way to the hospital.  About 20 minutes later my other sister called screaming down the phone "the baby was born at home"

The baby came out crying and "daddy" was able to catch her before she hit the floor!  He suctioned her nose and mouth and then called an ambulance.

What a way to enter the world.

Both my sister and baby Ava are doing well!

Monday, August 23, 2010


I am sitting at work with all my chores completed waiting until its time to pick Willie-B up from pre-school.  I hate being alone these days. 

When I'm alone the only thing I think about is my little belly bean.  How far along I would be.  Wondering if it were a boy or a girl.  (I think it was a boy).

I hate that greif and sadness are once again ruling my life.  Right now I'm stuck in the why me stage. 

I've wanted to be a mother as long as I can remember.  I sat patiently waiting my turn as everyone around me gave  birth.

Everyone keeps saying don't worry it will happen again soon.  But I don't want a different baby I want my little bean.

Please forgive my typos and spelling mistakes I posted this from my phone.

Posted via Blogaway

Saturday, August 21, 2010


My husband grandmother passed away today.    She was a sweet old lady who enjoyed baking, (she make good banana bread) and putting on plays. But she had a attitude! ( don't all the old ladies these days?)

Her health had been declining fast.  She passed away peacefully in her sleep at home.

We spent the afternoon, and evening at her house with most of the family. It was fun looking at old pictures, and telling old stories. I learned a lot about my inlaws tonight.

My father in law asked my Mother in law to marry him on their first date! Talk about a fast mover!


My computer has been hacked twice in the last two weeks. So if you received an email saying I am selling viagra I promise you i'm not.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

no more

We've had several more calls for placements.  We've turned them all down.  I'm not so sure we are going to continue fostering. It isnt all what we thought it would be like.

We were in it for the kids, and clearly the state could care less. Lil' Man continues to be moved from one home to another, due to his extreme behaviors.

Why cant these stupid people see they are causing him more harm, making his behaviors worse, and causing him to have even more attachment issues.

I hate it for him, yet there is nothing we can do. Foster parents opinion doesn't matter.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Out of pocket!

Sorry I haven't been blogging. I finally have my energy back so hopefully I will be blogging more often.

We have had several calls for placements, mostly older children.  We're still not ready to take another child.

We're currently at the beach with P, Willie-B and my niece Jannae.  My sister and nephew  drove down on Wednesday.

We've been chillin at the beach, having dance contests, and shopping!

Still no word on Lil' Man. I think about him often, and wonder what he's up too. I miss that little monkey.

School starts next week.  P will be in full-time, and Willie-B will go two half days.  Not sure what I am going to do on my kid free mornings!

We're heading back home on Sunday

Time to walk down to the ice creams store..

See ya..

Saturday, August 7, 2010

feeling down.

A child, born or unborn is a magical creature, a love that is born and not found. They are the true essence of everything that is good and divine.

You need not hold a child in your arms to want to protect them. You need not look at them to know you love them. And you need not birthed them to feel the loss when they are gone.

In life we have a certain order. We are born, we grow, our parents die and our children grow. When that order is upset, our world comes crashing down."

Thursday, August 5, 2010



  • Still haven't heard from Lil' Man's GAL-just another person who doesn't care.
  • Greg the mouse is making a clicking noise.  I hope he's okay. As mean as it sounds I am not taking a $2.00 mouse to the vet.
  • I still don't feel 100%.  Going to tough it out a few more weeks before seeing the doctor.
  • Jannae has been keeping me busy. We've been to a museum, bounce house, the pool, the library, and a lunch date so far this week.
  • We got a call about an 8 yr old girl, which we had to turn down.  I hate turning down calls.
  • One of my best buddies was in town over night.  We had a great time hanging out!
  • I went out with some girl friends last night.  The first time I have been out with friends since we  got Lil' Man-16 months ago.
  • Six more days till we go to the beach! WOO HOO!

Monday, August 2, 2010


My niece has been sleeping in Lil' Man's old room.  The door to the room is very tightly fitted.  When it opens there is a distinct noise. 

The only time Lil' Man's door was close was a night.  Mainly to keep the cats out, but also to keep him in.  Tonight Jannae went into the room to read.  When she was finished reading she came out of the room.  The noise of the door made me jump. 

The last few days we had him he would not sleep at all.  He was on a high, and would stay up till 3am or wake up every few hours  opening the door each time.

I was exhausted, between dealing with him, and pregnancy hormones. The sound of the door opening took me back there.  I could feel my heart beating faster, and my blood beginning to boil.

Time to break out the sander, and take care of the door. 

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Sweet girl

My niece Jannae has been here for almost two weeks now.  She's nine and a half, and is a total pre-teen. 

Its been hotter than hell here so we've been spending a lot of time at the pool.


We've stayed indoors playing with the new puppy (At work not ours)


Went to the aquarium with some friends


Played some games with P and Willie-B


Sweated out buns off at Wild Adventures (it was 99, 111 with the heat index)



Got pampered,with pedicures.


And bought a new pet!

Yesterday we visited the pet store where Jannae decided she would like a pet mouse.  So today we went back and got little Greg.

The cats have enjoyed having a mouse in the house!

We've got another 11 days to fill with activities, before we had to the beach for five days.  Then Jannae heads home with a few weeks to spare before school starts!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lil' Man update

I spoke with Lil' Man's respite mom, she said she's in over her head.  She has been a FP for 15 years, and has never seen behaviors this severe.

I told her what worked, and what didnt work for us.  We offered to do respite, but I don't think it would be wise.  Too confusing for him.

I contacted the county clerk and found out who Lil' Mans GAL is.  I am waiting for them GAL to call me back.  I am also in the process of writing a letter to the judge.  Something has to be done. 

He is five, and his needs are severe.  He needs help now, or its only going to get worse.  

Monday, July 26, 2010

Ring Ring

Today I got a phone call from Lil' Man's case worker.  Here is part of our convo

Her: Hi Mrs. S its Mrs. XYZ from DFACS.

Me: Oh hi how are you? How is Lil' Man?

Her: He's right here with me, and wants to talk to you.

Me: Oh okay

Her: Things are not going well.  We didnt get the wavier that we applied for so he hasn't been in a  residential  program. He has been moved 3 times since leaving your home.


Her: His behaviors are out of control

Me: really? (insert eye roll)

Her: Do you want to talk to him?


Lil' Man and I talked for a few moments.  It was a heart breaking conversation, and I was bawling like a baby when I got off the phone. I told him to remember he will always be in my heart.

Case worker gets back on the phone.

Her: Well I really don't know what to do with him.

Me: I am sorry, we told you all we would take him back if he got the help that he needs. But its clear that hasn't happened.

Her: Okay Mrs. S do you mind if I give your number to the new foster parent so she can call you for tips. 

Me: No problem.  I will be glad to help in anyway that I can.  I hope this placement works

Her: He wont be here long, this is a respite home.

Me: So he will be moved again?

Her Yes. Okay Mrs S have a good day.


Talk about a freaking guilt trip.  There has got to be some one some where that has the skills to help this little boy.

Does anyone know what I can do to help advocate for him? Because its clear to me his case worker isnt.  Who should I call? How does a foster child get a CASA?


Saturday, July 24, 2010


I am exhausted,  a little depressed, and angry.  Its crazy how such a small little bean, changes everything.  From the moment I found out I was  pregnant I began to plan for the future.  Hubby and I laid in bed every night talking about names, fantasizing about the things we would teach and show our little bean.

While I know miscarriages happen often (1 our of 5 pregnancy miscarry) I  never once thought it would happen to me.  I figured I have dealt with enough loss, and it was finally going to be my turn.

Why is it that the loss of a baby (fetus) is socially unspeakable? I have bumped into several people since coming back from Scotland.  People who know about the miscarriage, as well as my Grandmothers passing.  I have been told countless times "sorry to hear about your grandmothers passing." Yet there has been no mention of the little baby that was growing inside of me. It wasn't just a fetus or a ball of cells, it was a baby... My baby, it had a heart beat.

I feel so alone.

Unfortunately I am well experienced in the grief department.  Because of my experience I know that one day the pain well eventually subside. The heavy weight that is sitting on my chest will begin to get lighter, and I will be able to breath again.

The future will never me the same, because part of it is missing. But I will survive, and my little bean will live on in my heart.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010





My nieces E and C




My brother and SIL


Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm back

I flew out to Scotland on Thursday the 8th, and arrived on Friday.  My brother and sweet niece Erin where at the airport to greet me. I was starting to feel better thanks to some super duper antibiotics, and  shot of  some kind of anti-inflammatory. 

We went back to their house and hung out most of the day, before heading to my aunts house to discuss the funeral arrangements.

On Saturday my bro and SIL had a wedding to attend.  I told them I would watch their girls ages 4 and 2.  I took them on the train to the next town over. We did some shopping, and I picked up some junk food.  We ate junk, watched movies, and stayed up "late".  By 8pm we were all sound asleep!!

When I woke up I felt great!

Sunday we went shopping and then to my Aunts, for one of my cousins birthday parties.  Most of my Mum's side of the family was there.

Monday we went to visit my Great Uncle Jim, played in the garden, and ate nothing but junk.

Tuesday we went for a drive.  We ended up in a small town called Callander.  We had picnic, played at the park and check out some of the local attractions.

Wednesday was my Gran's funeral.  I sat and smiled almost the entire service.  Everything that was said brought back so many wonderful memories.  She was a great woman, who will be truly missed.

Wednesday evening I spent the night with my other Gran (Gran C) my cousins came over, we stayed up late chatting, and eating more junk! 

Thursday afternoon we spread my Grandmothers ashes along with my Dad's.(My Dad passed 8 yrs ago)  The sun was shinning bright (something that rarely happens in Scotland.) I envisioned my Dad, and Grandmother hanging out  together, happy to be reunited.

After we scatted the ashes we went back to my Gran's house and looked threw some of her stuff.  Yet again so many great memories came flooding back.

Before I knew it my time was up, and I was on a plane bound for Orlando. 21 1/2 hrs later, I landed on my door step!

I spent this passed Saturday recuperating before heading 6 hours north to pick up my niece Jannae.  Having Jannae here will be a nice distraction.

Since the miscarriage  i've discovered I don't like to be alone, because when i'm along my mind wanders and I start crying.

While away I got a mini update on Lil' Man I was told he is acting out, and misses us.  Both of which are to be expected.  I miss him and his antics greatly.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I swear I must have a black cloud looming over my head.  I went to the doctors this morning  it was discovered I have an infection in my uterus.  

My pain started increasing Monday evening, by yesterday it hurt to sit or stand up straight.  I called the doctors office twice only to be told, it was all normal.  She told me to take my pain medication and go to sleep.  REALLY? GENIOUS? As if I hadn't already tried that.

By last night the pain was so bad I paged the on call doctor.  She told me it didnt sound like anything life threatening and to call the office if I started running a fever.

I tossed and turned all night.  As soon as they open I called and was able to get an early apt.  I am still so annoyed that they wouldn't listen to me.  A woman knows her body. I knew something wasn't right.  If left untreated a uterine infection can do some damage.

In between of all of this my brother called to let me know my sweet Gran had passed away earlier this morning. She was a wonderful lady.  I have so many great memories from my childhood thanks to her, and my grandpa.

So I am packing my bags and heading to Scotland tomorrow afternoon.  When I get back I think I might just have a mental breakdown.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I am suddenly all alone with my thoughts.  Lil' Man left this morning, and my hubby is at school.  I have been so busy dealing with Lil' Man and his behaviors (as well as packing his stuff) that I haven't had a moment to breath. 

Now that I am sitting here alone, I am scared.  I cant stop thinking about what could have been and what we have just lost.  I feel as if i've been hit by a bus.

My little baby had a heart beat, I seen it flicking on the screen. Then suddenly it stopped.  I will always wonder if the stress of caring for Lil' Man played a roll in the loss of the baby.

if I hear "well at least you know you can get pregnant." one more time I might just scream. 

I know that miscarriages are common, and that I am not the first woman to loose her baby.  But really it doesn't make me feel any better in the moment. . 

As soon as you get a positive test your entire life changes.  You start planning your future around this little bean.

My husband was so excited, we couldn't stop smiling at each other. Every night before bed he would rub my belly and say good night to the baby.

Now we are just left dreaming about what should have been. I will always wonder about that little bean. 

Monday, July 5, 2010


Ive been trying to catch my breath for the passed few days, but I haven't been able too just yet.  Friday morning I had a D&C it wasn't too physically painful, but certainly is an emotional process. 

I had just gotten out of the hospital and the daycare called "Lil' Man is out of control and needs to be picked up."  This despite the fact I told them NOT to call me to call his case worker if there was any problems. 

Hubby went and got him, and its been down hill since then.  He peed all over the place, because he's mad. Mad that he's leaving, and I can understand that.

He had a good day Saturday, but yesterday was hell. He was on full force.  Fighting us tooth and nail.  He wore himself out from "fighting" that he slept from 8pm until 9am.

Today I took him for a playdate at chick fil a.  He was playing in the play area.  One of my friends kids came over shouting "someone pooped in their pants." I knew right away it was my little bugger. 

So I scooped him up and told him we had to go home because I did not have a change of clothes.  He took off, I grabbed him before he could get up the stairs.  He screamed, hit, and kicked.  I had to carry him (despite the fact that I am not supposed to lift over 20lbs) kicking and scream all the way to the car. 

I spent the majority of the afternoon packing the rest of his stuff.  Tonight we're going to dinner with  hubbies family, and then to watch the fireworks.

In a matter of days our lives have been turned upside down.  While I know Lil' Man needs more help than we can give him, it doesn't make this process any easier. 

I love that little guy and I wish nothing but the best for him in the future. 

Thursday, July 1, 2010


It's been a rough two weeks.  Between Lil' Mans behaviors, and worrying about our little belly bean I am emotionally spent. 

Today we learned that our little bean stopped growing, its little heart stopped beating.  I am having what they call a missed miscarriage.  I still feel pregnant, and my HCG levels continue to climb, however the baby has stopped growing. 

Please keep my family in your prayers.It's going to be a rough few weeks as we say good bye to our little guy, and grieve the loss of our first belly bean.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

emotions all over

What an emotional day.

The meeting consisted of Lil' Man's DFACS worker, her supervisor, our agency's director, and Lil' mans therapeutic worker myself, and the hubs.

The DFACS supervisor wanted him placed in a therapeutic home in which one parent stays home.  I commented that I didnt think that was a wise move, because he needs to learn to function at school. He cannot have one on one attention for the rest of his life.  I also said that I felt like the FP would get burnt out quickly.  I feel that moving him to another home is only fobbing the "problem" off on someone else, and not fixing it.

Our director said that we were the most qualified foster parents within agency, and that if we couldn't deal she didnt think any of the other families would be able to. She said we've done a great job advocating for him.  She knows we didnt want it to end like this, but its a sad reality.

It was decided that Lil' Man needs more help than we can give him (duh).  Since we live in BFE there is nothing suitable in our area.  He will be going to a residential facility about four hours away.  His case worker predicts that he will be there for 30 days.  We expressed our willingness to take him back if that falls within the recommendations.

I have a feeling they might leave him in the big city, because there are a million more resources specialized schools, daycare's, more professionals, etc than what we have here.

In the end I feel like the right decision has been made.  If he were medically sick we wouldn't think twice about taking him to the hospital for however long it took to get him better.  He is mentally ill, and needs treatment, more so than what we are able to offer.  I am gonna miss that lil bugger.  I really hope he ends up back in our care until he is adopted.

Tic Tac anyone?

7 weeks and 4 days.  I thought this interesting enough to pass along.  Of course those of you who have already given birth already know this stuff.






Your baby is now between 1/3 and 1/4 inch long—about the length of a Tic Tac and about as heavy as an eyelash. While that sounds tiny, he or she is approximately 10,000 times bigger than at conception. Crazy, huh?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Sad to say but we gave our 30 days notice.  All of a sudden everyone's coming out of the woodwork with suggestions for us.  We're having a placement preservation meeting tomorrow. I assume they will try talk us out of our decision.

If things improved and we had more support, I would consider keeping him.  I am not sure what to ask for as far as support.

Monday, June 28, 2010


Lil' Man got his walking papers from daycare today. They said he is so out of control that they can no longer care for him.  I am really stuck.  Do we give him up or do we keep on trying. 

Sunday, June 27, 2010

What a week

Lil' Man has been off the hook since stopping the strattera. He has been more hyper, and defiant.  He hasn't slept through the night since we stopped it.  Getting up once an hour for the first 4-5 hours.  I called the psychiatrist but of course I got no call back.

The daycare has called me every single day about his behaviors.  The daycare is a huge source of stress for me.

Our little belly bean has been giving us problems. I've had three ultrasounds with a fourth scheduled for next Thursday.  So if you pray, say  a little prayer for our bean.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

apt update

Today was Lil' Mans apt with the psychiatrists.   He told us to take him off of his strattera.  Apparently strattera makes some people manic.  I'm not buying it because he has been on the strattera for sometime.  The behaviors have only gotten worse the last 2 months. 

The psychiatrist said that if things get worse in the next few days he will up his respidol.  Cross your fingers for us please.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

been feeling blah

I haven't been in the mood for blogging lately.  I've been very tired, and moody.  I took a million and one pregnancy tests hoping I was pregnant.

They were all negative :(

My cycle was late, and I had major cramps, and back pain.  I was 100% sure my endometriosis was back.  So  I made an appointment with the doctor this passed Monday. 

The dr came into the room and asked me a questions about my surgery (I had my surgery 4 hours away). I had forgot to have my records sent over.

She asked me about my tubes, and my ovaries.

I told her I lost my left tube, but I still had both ovaries. 

She said apparently your ovaries are working well because your pregnant.

My response  "I'm sorry but I don't believe you."

She said "oh you will in February!"

She sent me to the lab for a blood test, and to test my HGC levels which where 24,940!

Definitely pregnant!

On Friday I went for an Ultra Sound and we got to see our little peanut. 

Oh so tiny!

There was a heart beat.. Everything looks good!

Thursday, June 17, 2010


The psychiatrists office had a cancellation so we've got an appointment on Tuesday.  We start the IFI program on Wednesday.  Things are moving in the right direction.

Now if I can just get him to stop mooning the entire daycare, while doing "the booty dance"  life will be grand.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Things are so so here.  His behaviors have greatly improved at home, but he continues to rule the daycare.  They have called me everyday this week about his behaviors.  Today I had to pick him up.

My boss is getting tired of me taking off work because of his behaviors.  I already miss so much work because of his weekly appointments, foster care training, etc.

This crap wears you down.  I dont know how people do this forever.  I guess I had a different view of what foster care would be like.  I love this lil guy, but I dont always enjoy being around him. 

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Its never a good thing when one of your friends adds one of your foster children's bio's on their facebook page. 


I wonder how they know each other.


Some of you seen the post that I wrote Friday night, and later deleted.  For those of you who didnt see it,  I was ready to give Lil' Man back.  If it had been during business hours I am certain I would have called his caseworker and told her so. 

Since then the hubby and I have done some soul searching, and we're just not ready to give up yet.  We really want to try the IFI program first.

(Lil' Man and hubby at the beach on Saturday.)

Things have been so so this weekend.  I have relearned to let go of the little things, and pick a choose my battles.  I've given up trying to control the situation.  When he comes to me bleeding (bc he picked) I just say oh thats great.  No more nagging/begging him to stop. No more blackmailing him because it doesn't work.   When he screams shut up, I walk away.  When he throws a fit, I "toss" him in his room, and leave him until he's finished.  When he calls me a bitch I just look at him and smile.

At the end of the day i'm trying not to hold a grudge.  (which is very hard to do)  I still take time to rock/sing to him before bed, because despite his meanness he's only a little boy.

A very broken little boy, but a little boy none the less.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


If you read here and have a blog, please list it in the comments section so that I can list it on my blog roll.  I read a lot of blogs but dont have them listed.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Hubby dropped lil' man off at respite yesterday morning. Our agency insisted we take a break so that we would not burn out.  I was already burnt out.

It was nice not having to worry that the daycare was going to call while I was at work, or that Lil' Man was  going to be up all hours of the night causing him to be 100 times defiant.

I never realized how much anxiety I have over this lil guy. 

I feel refreshed, and well rested..  I've re-read my FAS notes, and I am ready to take on the world!  (if only it where that easy)

So tomorrow  I will driving 1 1/2 hours to pick up the little booger, and we will start all over again.  Lets just hope we can get everything back on track.  Or else I might up in a residential facility.

Monday, June 7, 2010


We are going to try the IFI (intensive Family intervention) program. 

The V Center’s Community Service programs are designed to provide mental health and substance abuse services for youth ages 5 through 17 and their families in a home setting.  The community -based programs are Intensive Family Intervention (IFI) and Community Support Individual Services (CSI).
Intensive Family Intervention (IFI)
Services are delivered by a team of clinical and community support workers, and are intended to improve family functioning and preserve in-home placement as opposed to residential care placement.  Led by licensed therapists the team is focused on providing services that work to strengthen the family’s functioning of each member individually and as a family.  Treatment focuses on crisis intervention, individual and family therapies, skills building, case management, and linkage with community resources.

Community Support Individual Services (CSI)
Mental health and substance abuse services are provided in the community to assist the child/youth with needed resources in order to more fully function.  The child/youth is assisted with personal development and school performance as well as enhancement of natural support and identifying substance abuse risk factors.  In addition, the child/youth and family may receive individual therapy, group therapy, family therapy, plus psychiatric and nursing services.

Keep your fingers crossed.


He got what he lunch time he poured his milk on himself on purpose. They sent him home just as everyone else has done. Misson complete


Lil' man woke up at oh dark 30, in a shitty mood. I knew today was not going to be a a good day. We struggled all morning.  I finally dropped him at daycare only to get a phone call from the director.

"Lil' man sat on the teachers lap and urinated on her."


He preceded to say "You need to call my mama now, because I don’t have a change of clothes."

He has a change of clothes.

Thankfully the daycare knew what he was up too, and they did not send him home.  They wanted me to come to the school to talk to him. 

Which did no good at all.

I called his caseworker, i'm at a loss.  I don’t know what to do.  Typical stuff doesn't work, hell even the therapeutic stuff doesn't work.  She asked me if I wanted respite for a few weeks. 

I declined. 

The behaviors will still be there once he gets back from respite. The might even be worse.  I told her we need an emergency visit to have his meds changed/upped.  I cant wait until July.

Everything that we have worked toward the last year has gone to shit in a matter of months.  He had made so much progress .  He was making logical choices.  He was enjoyable.

Not so anymore.

Saturday, June 5, 2010



Probably not the best thing to do with all his "wounds".   but oh well... You only live once.



We're enjoying summer break.  Lil' Man has been staying up later (8:30), and sleeping in until 8ish.   We've been to the pool, played in the sprinkler, been to the beach, and the lake. We've been attending all of the free shows at the library, and going to wild adventures.

Today we took a 3 hour nap, after getting up early to go yardsailing.  Lil' Mans behaviors have be so/so at home,  however he still continues to pick.  Hopefully  we will get it under control soon.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Yesterday the boys, and I went to a puppet show at our local library.  It was great!  Lil' Man was a little unsure of the whole thing.  He sat with big eyes, and his mouth hanging open.  At one point he said "my stuff animals don't talk."

Our local library has a ton of great shows, and their all free!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

crabby pants

I spoke to soon.  Lil' Man was up almost all night. He went to bed at 8pm, and messed around until 10pm.  He was up again at 1am,until God knows when.  He appeared again at 4am and was up until 6am.   Since hubby doesn't have to leave  for school until 11am, we let Lil' Man sleep till 9am. 

His  bed was covered in blood.

He was picking while he was awake.

Hubby drove him to daycare after breakfast only to be told by the director "he needs to be here by 9am or he cant attended unless he has a doctors note."


It's daycare not school.

and that would have been nice to know when we first signed him up.

I told hubby next time we will just take him grumpy as all get out and they can deal since he has to be three by 9am. 

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Going good

Things have clamed down here.  Lil' Man has slowed down on the picking. He has been listening the first or second time, instead of the 100th time!  He has been sleeping well at night, and waking up in a much better mood!

Lat night we went to my inlaws for a BBQ.  He was so well behaved I almost forgot we had a special needs kid. Typically when we go over there, he plays the food game to see how much food he can steal when I am not looking.  I've found it hidden in his pockets, socks, and his bag. He didnt ask once for extra food!  We even stayed till 10:30pm which is 3 hours passed bed time!

Today we hung out at the house, played games, did crafts, and tidied up.  Afterwards we went for a golf cart ride. We allowed him to stay up late again tonight (8:45), and he did well again.

I wish things could be like this all of the time.  We're almost like a normal family. 

Friday, May 28, 2010


I hate hate hate hate, that Lil' Man picks .  He currently has 19 infected spots, all from picking so damn much.  He mostly picks because of anxiety.  We've tired everything, but nothing helps.  If he has the urge to pick he's going to do it regardless.  Most of it is done at school/daycare.

When he picks and its bleeding he no longer gets a bandaid.  There aren't on for longer than five minutes anyway.  Sometimes he's picking just for the extra attention  At school he was sent to the nurse, and at daycare he was sent to the director. 

So at night we sneak into his room, and lather him up with antibiotic cream, and band-aids.  At least they stay on over night.


Lil' Man did not get kicked out of the new daycare.  They seen enough improvement within the week, that they are willing to work with us.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

looking better

Things have improved at the daycare.  They paired Lil' Man with a little girl, who he now calls his girl friend.  The director said we're not in the clear, but she is willing to give him more time to adjust.

The daycare is wonderful, I hope he can remain there.  The kids grow their own food, help prepare meals, and are in charge of maintaining their classroom.  Taking out trash sweep, mopping, etc. They go swimming twice a week (I will attend with Lil' Man).

They participate in so many hands on activities, and go above and beyond his other daycare.

I really hope it works!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Stick a fork in me..

I'm done. 

Lil' Man started his new daycare today.  I took him there eight times before today, to get him used to the place.  But it didnt help one bit.  He ran away, screamed, hit kicked, bite, picked, peed himself, pooped himself, etc. He was screaming so loud I could hear him  before I entered the building.

They are not able to offer the one on one support that he desperately needs.

They have given him until Friday to adjust or he cant come back.  I totally understand, i don't fault the daycare at all.  They have 50 other kids they need to worry about. But why are there no alternatives.  Why am I now faced with giving him back?

Why is there no reliable child care for special needs children?

I spent the entire evening in my room bawling my eyes out.  I am beyond stressed.

If things do not work out what am I supposed to do? I  am left with no other choice than to tell his case worker that she needs to find another home for him to live in.  A home where one parent stays home.

I dont want to do that, I want to keep him until he gets adopted.  But at what cost?


Hubby and I ventured to the beach this passed weekend to celebrate our second wedding anniversary.   Lil' Man went to a new respite home. Out of the respite homes we have used in the passed this one was the best.  However I don't think she understood that Lil' Man has brain damage, and isnt just "bad".    He had one major rage on Saturday, partly because he was in a new environment, and partly because he was over tired.  He had stayed up too late the night before, and missed his afternoon nap.

I just want to yell follow the damn schedule people.

Despite the phone call on Saturday letting us know that Lil' Man had a rage, we still had a great time.  We walked the beach, ventured across the water for some sea food, visited a historic plantation, swim in the ocean, shopped and relaxed in the hot tub.  Oh we even slept till NINE!

I feel guilty using respite, but the mental health break is good for all us, even when it takes us a few days to get the kiddo back on track.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Too low

Yesterday the psychologist from the FAS clinic called me to go over Lil' Man's test results.  In most areas he scored low, with the exception  of his expressive language. His behaviors are on the extreme side of the scale.

However both the psychologist , and I think he did not perform as well as he could for a number of reasons. When we first got there he seen someone pushing a cart full of toys.  He could not let go of the idea of going to play with the toys despite the fact that he was told he could play with them when we were done. So every 5 minutes during testing he asked about the cart of toys.

He was tired from the 4 hour drive up the night before, and didnt sleep well because we were in a hotel.  He does not perform with lack of sleep.

He was overly excited, because we were in a new environment  and around new people.

She has asked us to come back for a therapeutic assessment which typically lasts for a week.

We will be staying in the Ronald McDonald house, and going to the clinic each day for shorter amounts of time with the hopes of getting an accurate assessment.

Now if I can figure out how to take a week of work without pissing anyone off.  I've already been off a lot this year (my surgery)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Pizza pizza

So my face still looks like a pizza.  I went to the dermatologist and was prescribed a topical antibiotic.  He couldn't give me anything strong since we are trying to conceive. 

I am also using proactive which worked for me as a teen.

I  was at the store tonight (with no make up on), and I was so self conscious.  Not like me at all.  I was hoping I wouldn't bump into anyone.

The pimples freaken hurt.

Anyone have any magic cure for hormonal acne?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Busy house

Things are going well here in the Sanford home. We're still working on expanding our family, but no such luck yet.  I'll give it a few more months before visiting the doctor.

Lil' Man is still requiring a lot of sleep.  Today we went to wild adventures.  We got there just before 11am, and left just after 3pm.  Lil' Man was so tired he cried on and off until bed time.  Despite the fact that the slept 12 hours the night before.  We haven't been able to pint point it to down to any one thing.  Maybe he just requires a ton of sleep.

We will get the results from the FAS clinic on Tuesday. 

School gets out next week, and Lil' Man will be starting a brand new daycare.  Since he got booted from the other one.

Next Saturday is our second wedding anniversary. Lil' Man is going to respite, and hubby and I are going to the beach for the weekend.  I think the time apart will do as all a little good.

We've got a family beach trip planned the beginning of June, and a road trip planned in July.  Another beach trip planned in August, and a trip to Atlanta in Sept!  We're gonna be busy!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

cut back

I hate IEP meetings.  We had Lil' Man's annual IEP  review yesterday. They tried to cut a lot of his services. His case worker was fine with the lack of services.  I was so mad at her. Needless to say we didnt agree on much so I refused to sign on the dotted line.  We will meet again mid July to  see if we can come to an agreement.

Have I said I hate IEP meetings?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The difference

Regular moms tell their kids to wake up and get dressed in the morning.  And they do it.

Special needs moms put on battle gear to get our kids ready to start their day.

Regular moms ask their kids if they brushed their teeth. 

Special needs moms prompt, “Brush your top teeth.  Brush your bottom teeth.  Did you get the sides?  Open your mouth.  My God, give me that toothbrush!  You’ve left half your meal in there!”

Regular moms wave goodbye as their kids run off to catch the school bus.

Special needs moms get awesome door-to-door bus service for their child.

Regular moms know the names of all their friends.

Special needs moms know most of their friends by their username.

Regular moms judge other moms when kids have tantrums in stores.

Special needs moms say to themselves, “Hmm, I wonder which disability he has?”

Regular moms complain about driving their kids to sports and recreation classes.

Special needs mom grin and bear the weekly trips to tutors, doctors and therapists.

Regular moms’ kids have a teacher.

Special needs moms’ kids have a team.

Regular moms talk about accomplishments.

Special needs moms talk about skills, as in play skills, conversation skills, life skills, social skills and vocational skills.

Regular moms relax with their kids during the summer.

Special needs moms start their second job as home teachers, therapists and skills coaches.

Regular moms think accommodations refer to hotels.

Special needs moms have memorized the top 20 accommodations for their child.

Regular moms hope their child finds a good career.

Special needs moms are hopeful someone gives our child the chance to work.

Regular moms soak in the tub when they want to unwind.

Special needs moms consider a bathroom break a luxury.

Regular moms enjoy reading the latest best selling book.

Special needs moms should receive an honorary degree for all the disability books they've read.

Regular moms go out for dinner and a movie with their husbands every month.

Special needs moms have a date night with their husbands every…wait, what decade is this?

Regular moms complain their kids won’t eat their vegetables.

Special needs moms are so desperate we consider chicken nuggets to be a legitimate meat product and throw in ketchup as a vegetable.

Regular moms’ kids go to play groups.

Special needs moms’ kids go to therapy groups.

Regular moms meet for a ladies night out.

Special needs moms get together at support groups and forums.

Regular moms have medical claim forms that fit in one file folder.

Special needs moms will tell you a small forest was cut down so we could receive our claims.

Regular moms think OT means overtime.

Special needs moms know more acronyms than a NASA engineer.

Regular moms have time to cook a full dinner every evening.

Special needs moms will never admit how many times we've picked up fast food.

Regular moms complain their husbands sit on the couch and watch TV while they do all the work.

Special needs moms...well how about that?  Some things do stay the same!
(Just kidding dads, we know you do your part!)

Regular moms worry about fat and sugar in their children's diets.

Special needs moms worry about gluten, casein, oxalates and have a working knowledge of (FDA approved) food additives.

Regular dads spend a week teaching their sons to pee in the potty and maybe a month teaching them to poop.

Special needs dads keep trying, sometimes for several years.
--From Michael

Regular moms look forward to an "empty nest."

Special needs moms wonder who will take care of their kids after they're gone.
--From Elizabeth

Regular moms have the numbers of their friends programmed into their cell phones.

Special needs moms have the numbers of their child's specialists programmed in theirs.
--From Kate

Regular moms’ kids are mildly afraid of the dentist.

Special needs moms’ kids are so terrified, 9 out of 10 dentists will ask them not to come back.
From Judy

Regular moms get annoyed when their child won't stop talking.

Special needs moms would do anything to hear their child utter one word, 'Mom'.
--From Elizabeth

Regular moms cringe when their daughter misses a step or gets confused during a ballet recital.

Special needs moms cry a special kind of tears as their child painstakingly holds up one foot while leaning on a chair and says, “Look, mommy, I’m doing ballet.”
--From Kimberly

Regular moms rely on children's vitamins and common cold medicines to meet their kids health needs.

Special needs moms are busy being medical detectives using medicines and supplements a pharmacist can barely pronounce.
--From Melanie

Regular moms budget for new clothes, a new size every season for their children.

Special needs moms know the anguish of three winters in the same size.
--From Heather

Regular moms drive their kids to the pediatrician for their annual exam.

Special needs moms arrange for an ambulance to transport their child to their annual 12 specialist event that lasts a week at children's hospital.
--From Elizabeth

Regular mums complain their kids are under their feet during the summer holidays.

Special needs mums hope to find a school where their child can stay for longer than a term (semester) before being thrown out.
--From Laurie

Regular moms send Christmas cards to their friends and family.

Special needs moms send Christmas cards to friends, family AND the medical team and specialists that helps take care of their child.
--From Kate

Regular moms show up to their kids' activities.

Special needs moms get to work prompting and herding their child in each activity.
--From Ann

Regular moms rarely get calls from their child's teacher.

Special needs moms expect it's a call from the school everytime the phone rings.
--From Anonymous

Regular moms worry about their child being picked on in school.

Special needs moms know their child will be discriminated against their entire lives.
--From Elizabeth

Regular moms are on a first name basis with other moms in their neighborhood.

Special needs moms are on a first name basis with their child's pediatrician, neurosurgeon, gastroenterologist and other specialists.
--From Kate

Regular moms bring their kids to the doctor without any advance preparation.

Special needs moms have prepped their child all week with books and practice getting a shot.  They come in armed with favorite CDs and children’s books and it’s still a traumatic experience for both child and mom.
--From Judy

Regular moms forward funny mom e-mails to each other.

Special needs moms can only send this list to other special needs moms--regular moms would be offended if we suggest they don't understand what we deal with everyday.

Regular moms occasionally worry about one or two allergies.

Special needs moms have memorized the top 75 allergens, preservatives, chemical additives and toxins.
--From Michael

Regular moms hunt for the best clothes bargains and trendy styles.

Special needs moms hunt for that one manufacturer who makes clothes that fit our child's fine motor or sensory needs.

Regular moms' stress levels raise from a 3 to a 10 if their child needs stitches or tubes in their ears.

Special needs moms' daily stress levels are already at an 8 so stitches or tubes in ears can actually be a step down from the day to day stresses.
--From Kate

Regular moms look forward to their children going off to college.

Special needs moms do not look forward to deciding whether or not to put their children in state run homes  when they become adults.
--From Elizabeth

Regular moms know their child will eventually pick up reading in their own way.

Special needs moms must tackle reading skills with a sense of urgency and with all the research resources they can muster.
--From Jeri

Regular moms are asked to chaperone for field trips.

Special needs moms are required to be there just so their child can go on the field trip.

Regular moms put their children to bed and get a good night's sleep.

Special needs moms monitor CPAP machines and masks, Apnea monitors, suction tracheotomy tubes, oxygen tanks, reset pulse oximeter alarms, and feed their children through feeding tubes through the night.
--From Elizabeth

Regular moms try to get their child toilet trained by preschool.

Special needs moms try to get their child toilet trained by high school.
--From Nancy

Regular moms take their child's developmental milestones for granted.

Special needs moms realize what a miracle the human body is to be able to do what it does after spending hundreds of hours teaching our kids to roll over, crawl, walk, eat, play, etc.
--From Kate

Regular moms agonize with their child if he or she doesn’t make the elite soccer team.

Special needs moms would cry tears of joy to see their child play soccer, just once.
--From Kimberly

Regular moms ask the local babysitter to watch the kids on date night.

Special needs moms call a nursing agency when they haveto leave her child home for emergencies only.
--From Elizabeth

Reprinted with permission from One Place for Special Needs. The first several entries were written by Dawn who runs One Place for Special Needs, a national disability resource that lets you find local and online resources, events and even other families in your neighborhood plus over 3,000 online resources! Stay awhile and check out the site. She is also moderator of Autism Community Connection, a Yahoo group for families in Illinois. Dawn has two awesome kids, a supportive husband (honestly!) and strives for a day when communities can effectively reach out to support all special needs.

Thanks, Dawn, for sharing...and growing!...this list with us!!

You can find Dawn's original post here.