I am exhausted, a little depressed, and angry. Its crazy how such a small little bean, changes everything. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I began to plan for the future. Hubby and I laid in bed every night talking about names, fantasizing about the things we would teach and show our little bean.
While I know miscarriages happen often (1 our of 5 pregnancy miscarry) I never once thought it would happen to me. I figured I have dealt with enough loss, and it was finally going to be my turn.
Why is it that the loss of a baby (fetus) is socially unspeakable? I have bumped into several people since coming back from Scotland. People who know about the miscarriage, as well as my Grandmothers passing. I have been told countless times "sorry to hear about your grandmothers passing." Yet there has been no mention of the little baby that was growing inside of me. It wasn't just a fetus or a ball of cells, it was a baby... My baby, it had a heart beat.
I feel so alone.
Unfortunately I am well experienced in the grief department. Because of my experience I know that one day the pain well eventually subside. The heavy weight that is sitting on my chest will begin to get lighter, and I will be able to breath again.
The future will never me the same, because part of it is missing. But I will survive, and my little bean will live on in my heart.