Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I am suddenly all alone with my thoughts.  Lil' Man left this morning, and my hubby is at school.  I have been so busy dealing with Lil' Man and his behaviors (as well as packing his stuff) that I haven't had a moment to breath. 

Now that I am sitting here alone, I am scared.  I cant stop thinking about what could have been and what we have just lost.  I feel as if i've been hit by a bus.

My little baby had a heart beat, I seen it flicking on the screen. Then suddenly it stopped.  I will always wonder if the stress of caring for Lil' Man played a roll in the loss of the baby.

if I hear "well at least you know you can get pregnant." one more time I might just scream. 

I know that miscarriages are common, and that I am not the first woman to loose her baby.  But really it doesn't make me feel any better in the moment. . 

As soon as you get a positive test your entire life changes.  You start planning your future around this little bean.

My husband was so excited, we couldn't stop smiling at each other. Every night before bed he would rub my belly and say good night to the baby.

Now we are just left dreaming about what should have been. I will always wonder about that little bean. 


  1. It is OK to grieve for the lose of your little bean and of Lil Man. You have been through an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks. Your life has been turned upside down. Take the time you need to mourn your loses. Know that there are people out here thinking about you and wishing you well. {{{hugs}}}

  2. My good friend had two miscarriages (after having a perfectly normal pregnancy and baby girl)and often heard things like "Well, at least you have one child" all the time. It doesn't help AT ALL. You are absolutely right - from the minute she knew she was pregnant we had talked about names and wondered what the new baby would look like and what its personality would be like, etc. She had plans and dreams for that baby! Losing all of that was hard - both times. She too second guessed everything she had done prior to losing the baby - wondered if she could have done something differently... The bottom line is that it happened, and it is horrible. We still talk about those babies sometimes - you will always remember your first lil belly bean. Take time to grieve the loss - you and your husband.

  3. Your always on my mind sweetie. Take time for you now.....

  4. I just had time to catch up with your blog. I am just sitting here stunned. I am so sorry for both of your loses. Wow. I am thinking of you. I wish there was something more I could do to help you. It doesn't matter that "you can get pregnant." you just lost your baby. And it doesn't matter that you know you are doing the right thing for Lil' Man... It still hurts very badly. Take time for you...God Bless.

  5. You have invested so much in Lil' Man and the feelings of loss are real and valid. Your Belly Bean was also a very real loss and I pray for you and your husband as you grieve. It doesn't matter how common miscarriages are... this was your baby. Take your time.

    Peace and Prayers