Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lil' Man update

I spoke with Lil' Man's respite mom, she said she's in over her head.  She has been a FP for 15 years, and has never seen behaviors this severe.

I told her what worked, and what didnt work for us.  We offered to do respite, but I don't think it would be wise.  Too confusing for him.

I contacted the county clerk and found out who Lil' Mans GAL is.  I am waiting for them GAL to call me back.  I am also in the process of writing a letter to the judge.  Something has to be done. 

He is five, and his needs are severe.  He needs help now, or its only going to get worse.  

Monday, July 26, 2010

Ring Ring

Today I got a phone call from Lil' Man's case worker.  Here is part of our convo

Her: Hi Mrs. S its Mrs. XYZ from DFACS.

Me: Oh hi how are you? How is Lil' Man?

Her: He's right here with me, and wants to talk to you.

Me: Oh okay

Her: Things are not going well.  We didnt get the wavier that we applied for so he hasn't been in a  residential  program. He has been moved 3 times since leaving your home.


Her: His behaviors are out of control

Me: really? (insert eye roll)

Her: Do you want to talk to him?


Lil' Man and I talked for a few moments.  It was a heart breaking conversation, and I was bawling like a baby when I got off the phone. I told him to remember he will always be in my heart.

Case worker gets back on the phone.

Her: Well I really don't know what to do with him.

Me: I am sorry, we told you all we would take him back if he got the help that he needs. But its clear that hasn't happened.

Her: Okay Mrs. S do you mind if I give your number to the new foster parent so she can call you for tips. 

Me: No problem.  I will be glad to help in anyway that I can.  I hope this placement works

Her: He wont be here long, this is a respite home.

Me: So he will be moved again?

Her Yes. Okay Mrs S have a good day.


Talk about a freaking guilt trip.  There has got to be some one some where that has the skills to help this little boy.

Does anyone know what I can do to help advocate for him? Because its clear to me his case worker isnt.  Who should I call? How does a foster child get a CASA?


Saturday, July 24, 2010


I am exhausted,  a little depressed, and angry.  Its crazy how such a small little bean, changes everything.  From the moment I found out I was  pregnant I began to plan for the future.  Hubby and I laid in bed every night talking about names, fantasizing about the things we would teach and show our little bean.

While I know miscarriages happen often (1 our of 5 pregnancy miscarry) I  never once thought it would happen to me.  I figured I have dealt with enough loss, and it was finally going to be my turn.

Why is it that the loss of a baby (fetus) is socially unspeakable? I have bumped into several people since coming back from Scotland.  People who know about the miscarriage, as well as my Grandmothers passing.  I have been told countless times "sorry to hear about your grandmothers passing." Yet there has been no mention of the little baby that was growing inside of me. It wasn't just a fetus or a ball of cells, it was a baby... My baby, it had a heart beat.

I feel so alone.

Unfortunately I am well experienced in the grief department.  Because of my experience I know that one day the pain well eventually subside. The heavy weight that is sitting on my chest will begin to get lighter, and I will be able to breath again.

The future will never me the same, because part of it is missing. But I will survive, and my little bean will live on in my heart.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010





My nieces E and C




My brother and SIL


Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm back

I flew out to Scotland on Thursday the 8th, and arrived on Friday.  My brother and sweet niece Erin where at the airport to greet me. I was starting to feel better thanks to some super duper antibiotics, and  shot of  some kind of anti-inflammatory. 

We went back to their house and hung out most of the day, before heading to my aunts house to discuss the funeral arrangements.

On Saturday my bro and SIL had a wedding to attend.  I told them I would watch their girls ages 4 and 2.  I took them on the train to the next town over. We did some shopping, and I picked up some junk food.  We ate junk, watched movies, and stayed up "late".  By 8pm we were all sound asleep!!

When I woke up I felt great!

Sunday we went shopping and then to my Aunts, for one of my cousins birthday parties.  Most of my Mum's side of the family was there.

Monday we went to visit my Great Uncle Jim, played in the garden, and ate nothing but junk.

Tuesday we went for a drive.  We ended up in a small town called Callander.  We had picnic, played at the park and check out some of the local attractions.

Wednesday was my Gran's funeral.  I sat and smiled almost the entire service.  Everything that was said brought back so many wonderful memories.  She was a great woman, who will be truly missed.

Wednesday evening I spent the night with my other Gran (Gran C) my cousins came over, we stayed up late chatting, and eating more junk! 

Thursday afternoon we spread my Grandmothers ashes along with my Dad's.(My Dad passed 8 yrs ago)  The sun was shinning bright (something that rarely happens in Scotland.) I envisioned my Dad, and Grandmother hanging out  together, happy to be reunited.

After we scatted the ashes we went back to my Gran's house and looked threw some of her stuff.  Yet again so many great memories came flooding back.

Before I knew it my time was up, and I was on a plane bound for Orlando. 21 1/2 hrs later, I landed on my door step!

I spent this passed Saturday recuperating before heading 6 hours north to pick up my niece Jannae.  Having Jannae here will be a nice distraction.

Since the miscarriage  i've discovered I don't like to be alone, because when i'm along my mind wanders and I start crying.

While away I got a mini update on Lil' Man I was told he is acting out, and misses us.  Both of which are to be expected.  I miss him and his antics greatly.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I swear I must have a black cloud looming over my head.  I went to the doctors this morning  it was discovered I have an infection in my uterus.  

My pain started increasing Monday evening, by yesterday it hurt to sit or stand up straight.  I called the doctors office twice only to be told, it was all normal.  She told me to take my pain medication and go to sleep.  REALLY? GENIOUS? As if I hadn't already tried that.

By last night the pain was so bad I paged the on call doctor.  She told me it didnt sound like anything life threatening and to call the office if I started running a fever.

I tossed and turned all night.  As soon as they open I called and was able to get an early apt.  I am still so annoyed that they wouldn't listen to me.  A woman knows her body. I knew something wasn't right.  If left untreated a uterine infection can do some damage.

In between of all of this my brother called to let me know my sweet Gran had passed away earlier this morning. She was a wonderful lady.  I have so many great memories from my childhood thanks to her, and my grandpa.

So I am packing my bags and heading to Scotland tomorrow afternoon.  When I get back I think I might just have a mental breakdown.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I am suddenly all alone with my thoughts.  Lil' Man left this morning, and my hubby is at school.  I have been so busy dealing with Lil' Man and his behaviors (as well as packing his stuff) that I haven't had a moment to breath. 

Now that I am sitting here alone, I am scared.  I cant stop thinking about what could have been and what we have just lost.  I feel as if i've been hit by a bus.

My little baby had a heart beat, I seen it flicking on the screen. Then suddenly it stopped.  I will always wonder if the stress of caring for Lil' Man played a roll in the loss of the baby.

if I hear "well at least you know you can get pregnant." one more time I might just scream. 

I know that miscarriages are common, and that I am not the first woman to loose her baby.  But really it doesn't make me feel any better in the moment. . 

As soon as you get a positive test your entire life changes.  You start planning your future around this little bean.

My husband was so excited, we couldn't stop smiling at each other. Every night before bed he would rub my belly and say good night to the baby.

Now we are just left dreaming about what should have been. I will always wonder about that little bean. 

Monday, July 5, 2010


Ive been trying to catch my breath for the passed few days, but I haven't been able too just yet.  Friday morning I had a D&C it wasn't too physically painful, but certainly is an emotional process. 

I had just gotten out of the hospital and the daycare called "Lil' Man is out of control and needs to be picked up."  This despite the fact I told them NOT to call me to call his case worker if there was any problems. 

Hubby went and got him, and its been down hill since then.  He peed all over the place, because he's mad. Mad that he's leaving, and I can understand that.

He had a good day Saturday, but yesterday was hell. He was on full force.  Fighting us tooth and nail.  He wore himself out from "fighting" that he slept from 8pm until 9am.

Today I took him for a playdate at chick fil a.  He was playing in the play area.  One of my friends kids came over shouting "someone pooped in their pants." I knew right away it was my little bugger. 

So I scooped him up and told him we had to go home because I did not have a change of clothes.  He took off, I grabbed him before he could get up the stairs.  He screamed, hit, and kicked.  I had to carry him (despite the fact that I am not supposed to lift over 20lbs) kicking and scream all the way to the car. 

I spent the majority of the afternoon packing the rest of his stuff.  Tonight we're going to dinner with  hubbies family, and then to watch the fireworks.

In a matter of days our lives have been turned upside down.  While I know Lil' Man needs more help than we can give him, it doesn't make this process any easier. 

I love that little guy and I wish nothing but the best for him in the future. 

Thursday, July 1, 2010


It's been a rough two weeks.  Between Lil' Mans behaviors, and worrying about our little belly bean I am emotionally spent. 

Today we learned that our little bean stopped growing, its little heart stopped beating.  I am having what they call a missed miscarriage.  I still feel pregnant, and my HCG levels continue to climb, however the baby has stopped growing. 

Please keep my family in your prayers.It's going to be a rough few weeks as we say good bye to our little guy, and grieve the loss of our first belly bean.