Monday, November 30, 2009

mini vacation

As I was tucking Lil' Man into bed last night he said "Mom I had a good time at the beach."  He behaved fairly well.  My eldest sister decided that the hubby and I are too strict on Lil' man.  I can understand how it might seem that way to an outsider, but if you give that kid an inch he will take a mile. 


While dining at outback he got a hold of a knife and put it close to my neck, as if he was going to stab me.  Other than him spitting in my face, we had a relatively fit free trip!


My sister, and I

    We went to the park, for a walk on the beach, played in the sand, watched a boat parade, made ginger bread houses, ate, and ate and ate some more! We also snuck in a few naps here and there.


Lil man, having fun!

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving!


twenty four months

Mum, twenty four months ago today
God called you home to stay.

How I would love to just hear your voice
and see your beautiful face.

Many times I've seen you in my dreams
I now know what sadness truly means

Sometimes I hear a noise in the hall
I think of you, and the day it all went wrong.

I think of you keeping watch over us, like a guardian angel would do

You know that we love you, and that we are thinking of you too

Somehow in my heart I just truly know
You keep watch over the kids, and see them grow.

Sometimes it is hard not to cry, but
then I think of you in Heaven and have to smile.

Whenever I see a butterfly, I believe it is your way of saying hi from your home in Heaven, way beyond the beautiful sky.

When I get sad I remind myself, you're in a much better place.

Mum I will think of you often, and remember your beautiful face.

Mum, say hello to Teagyn, and Dad.  Granny Campbell, and Grandpa too.

Send us a sign, and let us know your safe.

Until we meet again.

Love always, your daughter


Karen Smith Sanford

Your mother is always with you...

She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.

She's the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks.

She's the cool hand on your brow
when you're not well.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She's crystallized in every tear drop.

She's the place you came from,
your first home...
She's the map you follow
with every step that you take.

She's your first love
and your first heart break...
and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, Not space...
Not even death...
will ever separate you
from your mother...

You carry her inside of you...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The starfish

Last year we started a common tradition.  Each year we purchase an ornament that represents our family for that year.  This year we decided upon  this one, to represent our first year as foster parents.  What are some of your family traditions?

Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing.

He had a habit of walking on the beach  before he began his work.

One day he was walking along the shore.

As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer.

He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day.

So he began to walk faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?"

The young man paused, looked up and replied,

"Throwing starfish in the ocean." "I guess I should have asked,

why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But, young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it.

You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely.

Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said-

"It made a difference for that one."

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


There are so many things I am thankful for, there isnt enough space to write it all out.

First and foremost I am thankful for my husband.  I could not have married a better man.  His love for me is sometimes overwhelming.  He is a great friend, and lover. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve such a wonderful man (you all can stop gagging now)

I am thankful for my semi-normal up brining, for my parents unconditional love, for my education.

I am am thankful for my siblings, I couldn't imagine growing up as an only child.  Not only do you miss out on having brothers, and sisters.  You miss out on having nieces and nephews as well.  I consider my sisters my best friends.  My brother and I have grown closer over the last two years.  I thank them all for allowing me to be apart of their children's life.

I am thankful for good health,  wealth, plenty of food, and a lovely house that keeps us warm.

I am thankful that I have been entrusted  to care for someone else's child.  Foster care has opened my eyes to a whole new world.  Who knew a four year old could have so much emotional/behavioral baggage

I am thankful that we have been give the right tools to help Lil' Man grow. To watch him smile, to see him experience something for the first time.

I am thankful for good friends, both those in real life, and those online.  Who knew you could learn so much from people you have never even met.  It's good to "talk" to people who have been there done that.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

sweet boy

I have a horrible headache thanks to this stupid head cold that wont go away.  Lil' Man is doing so well at home.  When things are going well, he is a joy to be around.  He tells me how much he loves me, and asks me to come, and snuggle!

Our favorite thing to do together is puzzles.  When we first got Lil' man seven months ago (yesterday).  He couldn't do a simple 3 piece puzzle. He is now the puzzle master! Last night we worked on a 48 piece puzzle, until it was done!

He is still having a hard time at school, and honestly I don't know if his teacher can handle him.  Yesterday he spit on the teacher, and then told her that he was going to beat her up. I am going to give it a few more weeks, and see what happens.

We're all set for our Thanksgiving vacation.  All of the bags are packed, and waiting to be loaded into the Mommy Mobile.  If only the clock would magically strike five!

Cross your fingers I don't forget the turkey or the cheese cakes!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Keep your mouth closed

Today the boys, and I went to chick fil a for lunch.  We had just finished eating.  I sent the boys into the play area, while I cleared the table.  The man across from us, who had been checking us out all along started talking to me.

Him "Are you a single parent?"

me "no?"

him: he pointed to his finger, and said "no ring?"

me: "oops I must have forgotten to put it on this morning"

him: "oh, i'm a single dad. 

me: oh okay (WTF?)

Was I getting hit on? lol

Later that day I was talking to my friend J about running.  She super, wakes up at 5am every morning and goes running. Currently she is training for a marathon. I told her "thats great."

She told me that maybe I should try running sometime, to help me loose weight.  She went on to say that if I lost weight it might help me with me fertility issues.  WTF?

I told her that my fertility issue were a tad bigger than me needing to loose weight.  I then said I was happy with the weight I am now. 

Didn't your Mother teach you to keep your mouth closed if you don't have anything nice to say?  Talk about being kicked when your already down.

Yes, I could stand to loose weight, but I am not hugely over weight.  I have lost 50lbs in the passed six months. I wear a size 12-14, and a large top..BIG DEAL

Not everyone was meant to be a size 4-6.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


We're heading out of town for Thanksgiving.  We're going to the usual spot, Tybee Island.  My sisters, and their family will be joining us.  Five adults, and four kiddos

Lil' man gets along well with my nephews. My niece Jannae cannot stand him, but most 8 1/2 yr olds, don't like four yr old boys.

I have been secretly packing today.  Can't let the kid find out, or all hell will break loose.

I am a little nervous about veering from his night time routine.  We're pretty strict with it at home. 

6:30 bath


7:30-book, and snuggle time

7:45pm lights out

Typically if he isnt in bed by 8pm, his behaviors spiral down hill quickly.

For those of you with FAS children, or children with mood disorders, how do you prepare them for a change in their routine?

P.S if you read my blog become a follower.  I like to get to know the people who are reading about me!  (Lesley, Nicola, Crystal, and who else?)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I.E.P meeting (update)

Lil' man's IEP meeting was Friday at 8:15am. I finally walked out the school a little before 10:15.  A lot was said, but not a lot was accomplished.

I was surprised by the amount of staff members, that were in attendance.  A behavior specialists, special Ed teacher, reg ed teacher, speech therapist, occupational therapist, the LEA his one on one, Pre-K project director, director of special ed, School councilor, principal, and the  pre-k resource coordinator.  Lil' Man is well known throughout  the school.

It cracks me up that not one of the people above are able to control my 40lb four year old.  The principal kept saying he is uncontrolled. He's FOUR PEOPLE FOUR!  If they cant control him now what is going to happen when he's 14, and 200lbs.

I was shocked by some of their stories, as I had no idea how "bad" his behaviors were at school.  His teacher was sugar coating his behaviors in her daily notes/emails to me. I was frustrated that I was the one that called the meeting.  If they were having such issues why wasn't it brought to me attention before? Why didnt they schedule a meeting?

I told them that some of the behaviors are because of his FAS, and the others are because he is good at manipulating, and that they were playing his games.

To make a long story short, he will not be getting a full-time one on one aid, however they will up the one on one support.  We went over ways in which they can defuse the situation so that he doesn't get so out of control.  We came up with a crisis intervention plan (that sounds horrible doesn't it?)

His teacher is to try and defuse the situation for five minutes.  If they are not able to clam him down he is to be removed from the classroom, and taken to the positive action room (PA room).  He will be allowed to have his fit, while being supervised by a train staff member.  Afterwards the PA teacher will have a talk with him, about the situation.  Once he has collected himself he will be allowed to return to the classroom.

When he needs to be left alone, there is a designated "safe spot" in his classroom where he can retreat. 

At nap time he will no longer be required to lay on his mat for an hour.  (total torture for him).  He will stay on his cot for 10 minutes, and then will be taken into the computer lab, and allowed to work on the computer.

I know that not all of his behaviors will be corrected, however my hope is that by sending him to the PA room, the manipulation  will lesson. 

We will meet again in 30 days to review our plan, and to figure out if we need to make any other changes. 

The good news is, he's a smart little cookie!

Friday, November 20, 2009


My day went a little something like this:

7am- everyone up, fed,dressed and out the door, by 7:50am

8am-take lil' man to his classroom

8:15am-10:15am-IEP meeting, which got a little heated, and lasted two hours (more on that later)

10:30am-get to work, Willie B and I head to the grocery store.

11am-drop groceries  off, and head to the park for lunch.

11:45am-home form park, greet P and his Dad.

noon-boys down for a nap, tidy while they sleep.

1:30-boys up,

1:45-pick up hubby

2pm-pick up lil man from school

2:15-hit the road-toss the kids a snack

3:15-arrive at the aquarium-wiz about the aquarium

4:30-meet Lil' mans case worker for a visit

5pm-A quick trip around target which cost me $100!

5:10pm-case worker calls, she forgot to have us sign some papers.  I convince her to meet us at target.

5:45pm-Dinner at a Mexican restaurant, one kid refuses to eat, another pukes, and the third cries because I wont allow him to bring his cup of milk in the car (rotten milk spilled in my car no thanks).

6:45pm-head home, listed to the kids fight for an hour. Hes touching me, hes looking at me, i am tired, I gotta pee, dont touch hes looking at me. 

7:20-pull the car over and threaten the kids..It actually worked!

7:45pm-drop hubby and lil man off at our house

8pm arrive at P and Willie B's

8:15- boys in bed lights out THANK YOU GOD

8:20-text hubby

8:21-hubby texts back-Lil man is sound asleep in hubbies arms after throwing a fit.


Hopefully I will make it home before midnight.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

In my head

Today I stumbled upon this quote

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
Bill Cosby

and I cried, and cried.  When I was told that I might loose both of my ovaries a jolting fear came over me.  The thought of not being able to carry my own child, is overwhelmingly depressing.

Why does something that is supposed to be so natural have to become this huge medical ordeal.  Yesterday I spoke with my doctor regarding my endometriosis.  Based on my ct scan results, he gave us a less than 5% chance of conceiving a child naturally.  He said my cysts are deep, and the scaring is all over the place. 

So even if I do retain my ovaries, he assumes they are too badly damaged to function.  So we're talking egg harvesting, followed by IVF.  This baby making ordeal is going to get expensive!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

It's that time again.

The anniversary of my Mums death is creeping upon me.  It's funny how you can be sailing along fine one minute , and bawling your eyes out the next.

I conceder myself a strong woman,  but man do I miss that lady!  Her smile, her wisdom, even her "smell" You don't fully appreciate what you have until its gone.

If she were here right now at this moment, I would thank her first for giving me life.  For teaching me to be independent, to stand up for what I believe in, and showing me how to be a woman.  I would thank her for her unconditional love, for my siblings, and for always putting herself second to ensure we had whatever we needed.

She is an amazing woman, and I hope I make her proud. I love you, Mum!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Just wanted to say Thank you to all of the foster parents (and social workers) out there who left comments, and emailed me with tips and suggestions on how to deal with my Lil' Man and his school. 

I have done my research and am armed and ready.  I will update Friday after the IEP meeting.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I need help

Today I got a phone call from Lil' mans teacher asking me to come to the school, and pick him up, because he was out of control.  I need suggestions on what to do, or what to advocate for.  The things he does at school, he does not do at home or at daycare. Well at least not on a daily basis.

He is running out of the classroom, hitting, spitting, cussing, picking, etc.  Undressing, hiding under tables, peeing himself, shouting out loud, screaming, crying, picking.  Just to name a few.

I have requested an IEP meeting. The meeting will take place this Friday.  I am going to request that he had a one on one aid full-time, but I know that is no easy thing to accomplish, because it costs the system money.

There is no rhyme or reason to his acting out, it doesn't happen at set times, we cannot pin point a tiger.  Out of five school days he will typically have one okay day, two or three so/so days, and one or two totally off the hook days.  Am I expecting too much?

Is the classroom too stimulating? What is the alternative? The special ed classroom? He doesn't have learning problems, he has behavior issues.

His teacher are great but they are limited on what they can do.  One is pregnant, and the other has  knee injury so they cant chase his little behind down.  There are 19 other children who deserve attention too.

We go over the classroom rules.  He spouts them out like nobodies business, he hears what I am saying.

We've tired sticker charts, taking away privileges, we've tired ignoring his behaviors.  Positive reinforcement, and redirection isnt working.

I spoken to him, the hubby has spoken to him.  His case worker has had talks with him. 

He's on medication, he attends play therapy, speech therapy,  and occupational therapy.  He has a one on one aid for part of the day. He gets plenty of sleep at night, we watch his diet. At home he gets a lot of one on one time.  At daycare its pretty much free play since he isnt there that long.

What are we doing wrong? What can we do different?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Forever family?

I worry that there isnt a family out there some where that will adopt Lil' Man.  About a month ago I sent several pictures of Lil' Man to his case worker for his adoption profile.  Right away she had several inquires about him. 

Those big blue eyes, are breath taking.  However as soon as they read his history they are no longer interested.  He is a sweet little boy, who has the ability to  show love.  He needs to be the youngest in the family or an only child until he has time to adjust to his new environment.  He needs someone that will shower him with love, while staying on top of his behaviors. He needs someone who will advocate for him in all areas of life so that he doesn't end up  mixing with the wrong crowed

He is on the go non-stop from sun up to sun down. He may never be able to live alone, or he might grow up to be president.  With FAS there are so many factors that can vary greatly.  He is "book smart", but has no common sense.

Anyone out there interested in adopting a blue eyed, brown haired, FAS, OCD, Cutie?


Saturday, November 14, 2009

Good day

We had a lazy morning at home, before heading to an Old South fair, in a town about 15 minutes from ours.  It was a cultural experience to say the least.  Lil' Man had a great time.  Anything outdoors pleases him.

After the fair we went to the in-laws for a few hours, where Lil' Man entertained us all with his acting abilities  .  We left their house and headed to publix for a few groceries.  Came home dropped off the food, and went to eat Chinese at Lil' mans request.

Lil' Man is winding down watching Diego.  It's already 17 minutes passed bed time, typically all hell breaks loose at 30 minutes passed bed time.  He just can't hang.  So I best be going. See ya :)

Friday, November 13, 2009

The list?

So what's on your kids Christmas last? Or rather what's NOT on their list?

The other day we sat down, and wrote a letter to Santa.

Lil Man want's

  • a power wheels (not sure he's going to get it, because of his impulse issues
  • A big HUGE fire truck (his words)
  • a lightening McQueen car
  • A kitchen
  • Any and all other cars known to man
  • a skate board (maybe once he masters a scooter lol)
  • A toothbrush with a button as he calls it (an electric toothbrush)
  • Lightening Mc Queen slippers
  • Cars movie
  • puzzles
  • a mustang (a real one) not gonna happen.

I shop so far in advance I already have a ton of gifts for him.  Thankfully some of the gifts I have are some of the things he has asked for.

I cannot wait to get our Christmas tree up, as Lil' Man has never had a tree before.  I showed him the tree displays at target.  I asked him "Did you have a Christmas tree at Mrs XXX house?" to which he replied "no mom", "Trees are for outside, not inside."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

He's back!

The last few weeks have been so emotionally draining.  Between adjusting back to the time change, my new diagnosis, and Lil' man being "off the hook." I was over it.  Yesterday I called the doctors office and demanded that Lil' Man be taken off his medication.  I was at my breaking point.  I was ready to pack his bags and send him to respite FOREVER. 

Thank God he agreed.  I am happy to announce that our little boy is back, to his happy-hyper self.  I much prefer him bouncing off the walls.  Watching him itching, picking, whining,and being just plan unhappy, and uncomfortable in his own skin over the last few weeks was hard.

I KNEW it was the medication that was causing him to be that way, after all I am the one who takes care of him, day in and day out.  Yet because I am his foster Mother I am not allowed to stop any medications without WRITTEN approval from the prescribing doctor.

Hopefully now his sores can heal before the get infected.  Last count I found over 20 pick marks/scabs or whatever you want to call them.

In a few weeks we are going to try him on Strattera , which is a non-stimulate.  Does anyone have any experience with stratera in young children? Specifically those with mood disorders, and lack of impulse control?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

woot woot

I got the Drs permission to take lil' man off his focalin.  Life shall resume to normal starting tomorrow.. WOOO HOOO!

roller coaster ride

I am on an emotional roller coaster ride at the moment. The thought of not being able to carry a child is like a knife to the heart.  I have been caring for other peoples children in some fashion since I was nine years old. 

I always knew that I would grow up and have babies of my own.  In fact i've always wanted biological children, as well as adopted children.  Now there  is a huge possibility that I might not be able to carry a child.

I heard back from the fertility clinic and they suggested that I have the cysts removed before trying to harvest my eggs. But that doesn't seem logical when my Dr is saying he will have to remove the ovaries along with the cyst.

Truth is no one knows what the hell the cysts are and how much of my ovaries are damaged.  There is no non-invasive way to find out. I am ready for the surgery, because at least then I will know where I stand.

I have so many questions,  that I want answered However they cannot be answered  until after surgery.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Scottish folk


Here are some pictures of my Nieces, along with myself and my brother.




Toot toot!

Got a 100% in all areas of re-licensing home study. Our worker said we are the first family to get 100 on everything!

I've got 40.5 hours of training, hubby has 32.5! :)  I can't help that I am an overachiever  HA HA HA HA

Monday, November 9, 2009

no voice

I am so freaking mad.. We have been going back and fourth over Lil' Mans medication with the Dr, and our agency.  I know deep down its the medication that is causing him to be so agitated. But what do I know? I don't have some fancy initials behind my name.  I just take care of him day in and day out.  I'm just his "foster Mother".

Saturday, November 7, 2009

almost a year

December fourth will mark one year since we became foster parents.  Which means we have been busy getting all of our paper work as well as our house in order for our re-certification. Our home resource coordinator will be coming to the house on Tuesday to do our safety inspection.  We've already submitted all the necessary  paper work.  The only thing left to do is get our cars inspected.

How long is your foster care license good for?

Friday, November 6, 2009

Second opinion

I was doing research online, and came across a doctor who says, he performs  Laproscopic laser surgery for endometriosis

"Dr. Lyons' use of video laparoscopic laser excisional surgery has been shown to be far more effective than just laser removal of the disease visible on the surface. His objective is to remove all endometriosis while preserving a woman's organs."

I decided to shoot him an email, and wouldn't you know he replied  in less than 24 hours. In his email he said "You certainly should be able to retain your ovaries although this will be a delicate procedure to save that tissue."

So I have an appointment with him on December 9th for a second opinion.  Removing one or both of my ovaries seems a little radical, considering I am not in that much pain.

Until then I guess i'll hold tight.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Get control people

Yesterday Lil' Man had the melt down of all melt down's.  Hubby went to the school to try and get him under control. He was threatening  to throw a chair at his pregnant teacher when the hubby walked into the room.  All because he wanted to be the door holder, and today was not his day.

It kind of makes me laugh, because he's four, and is on the short side for his age. So I don't understand why they cant control him.  I mean don't stand there and watch him attempt to throw a chair.  Do something about it.

I have requested an IEP meeting, just waiting for a date and time.  For their sake I hope its sooner rather than later.

Every morning we go over the rules of the classroom.  Lil' Man recites them like a pro.  I tell him how much of a good boy he is.  I remind him how happy it makes me when he listens nicely with his ears.  Maybe I am hyping it up too much? Setting him up for failure?

We've tired sticker charts, we've tried times outs, we've tired taking away toys, and privilege's, but those things don't work for an FAS kid.  When he's in a rage, he doesn't care.  You have to deescalate it before it gets to the point of a rage.

He's doing fine at home, and also at daycare (where he previously was off the hook).  We've got to figure something out soon.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

There you have it.

Why cant anything in my life be simple?  Is there a big black cloud hanging over my damn head?  The doctor read my CT scan. He is almost 100% sure the cysts are Endometrioma's.  Endometrioma's are caused by endometriosis.  He said if in fact they are enometrioma's  I would have  stage III endometriosis

The only way to know for sure is to a biopsy, which they typically do while removing the cysts. 

He still want's us to have a consultation with the fertility specialist to see about harvesting my darling little eggs.  The Dr still believes he has to remove the left ovary, and is still 50/50 on the right one.

However I found a doctor about four hours away from us who perform's a less invasive surgery  for those who still wish to conceive. It involves removing as much of the endomertioma's as he can while preserving the organs.

So I am still in the same spot as I was yesterday.  No closer to being pain free or getting prego.  I plan to contact the new doctor first thing tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

School issues

Lil' Man is having such a hard time in school.  Let me recap for a second.  He is in a regular education  public preschool class.  There are 20 students, and 2 teachers.  Lil' Man receives 1 hour a day of one on one, an hour of speech, and OT a week. The special ed teacher also comes in throughout  the week to offer tips to the teacher.

  He does well 50% of the time at school. However he hits, kicks, spits, yells, runs away, and pee's himself almost daily at school.  If he doesn't want to do something, forget about it.

I think he would do better in a smaller classroom setting, however the only alternative is a special need class, which is full of children with severe mental and physical handicaps.  He is able bodied and very smart, he just has behavioral/emotional problems. I do not think he would benefit from this type of setting.

I don't even think having a full-time one on one aid would help, because of  over stimulation.

We are currently trying to come up with a new plan, because this one isnt working.

p.s I did not get my test results today

Mini post

The ct scan went fine, I should get the results today.  Keep your fingers crossed. I am ready for whatever they have to tell me.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Bottoms up

Today is my CT- scan.  I am supposed to drink 48oz of contrast.  After the first few sips it was clear I wasn't going to be able to keep down a few sips  let alone 48oz!

I called the nurse and she told me not to worry, because they can give me something else that tastes better. 

Geez thanks..Why not give me the good stuff to begin with?

I have cotton mouth and my tummy is rumbling, but I shall live.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Let me in!

Lil' Man had a great time tick or treating. However he had a hard time understand the concept.  He was practically beating down peoples doors yelling for candy.  If someone lowered their bowl to his level, he would try and snatch half their loot.  EMBARASSING!

He also did not understand why he couldn't eat every single piece of candy, as it was handed to him.  

Lil' Man started a new ADHD medication about two weeks before we put him into respite. He is taking 5mg of focalin in the morning  before school.  I have noticed some new behaviors but not sure if they are related to the medication or his two weeks in respite. He has started picking again almost constantly. He is also stuttering when trying to speak, and is very emotional.  He is repeating  the same question over and over again.

We have noticed a some positive improvement too There has been a huge improvement in his ability to stay on a task for more than a minute.  He is better at sitting still, keeping his hands to himself, and thinking before he acts.

Tonight before bed we worked on puzzles for over 30  minutes.  He has been playing with other toys on his own besides his cars.

I told the hubby that we need to give the meds another few weeks so that we can decide if its the medication that is causing the habits, or the lack of structure while in respite.