Thursday, April 30, 2009

Is it black or white?


I am sitting on the floor of my four year olds room, exhausted.  I sitting here  making sure he stays in bed. He has been throwing a fit for almost two hours .  I am tired, and he is beyond tired.

We have been doing so good, no fit since Sunday.  We have been consistent with our routine, and discipline.   There is no rhyme or reason that I can see for the fits.  I say its white, he says its black, and then goes into a rage.

We show him love, consistency, support, and understanding, and we get hatred in return.  It is hard to care about or love someone who tells you they hate you, who takes the fun out of family time, and always finds away to ruin a good time.

Things were going so good. Last night we had dinner in the back yard. Lil man splashed in the water, and was covered in dirt from head to toe.  Tonight after dinner I  had plans to take him to the park, but those plans were shot to hell as soon as we pulled into the driveway and he refused to get out of the car. It has all went down hill from there.

His dinner sits half eaten on the table.  His school papers and torn into peace's and scattered around the livingroom.  He lays in bed with only a pull up on because he refused to put on his pajamas.

While I not it's not his fault, its hard not to get angry on the inside.  If I could just flip a damn switch and make him all better.  Life would be so much easier for us, and for him.

I want to take him to the park, and the zoo.  I want to do normal kid things with him, but I can't because I cannot reward the negative behavior. I want to take him on a playdate with my "mommy friends", but I can't because he will hit, and tell people to shut up, and not to look at him.  He will steal toys, and running away from me. 

In our foster care classes we are taught to support the birth family.  The case plan is always reunification at first. Our lil man does not get visits with his birth family, and I am thankful for that.

I am angry that his Mother is living footloose, and fancy free. While myself, and my husband are cleaning up her "dirty work"  She should be sitting in jail for causing  permanent brain damage to her child.

For now the fight is over, my lil man is fast asleep. Looking ever so sweet, and innocent. 


  1. I'm sorry things are so up and down with Lil Man. But you are doing all the right things. Keep it up. And don't deprive him or yourself of doing some of those fun things you want to do. Its not going to 'reward' his bad behavior. Its going to teach him that you will keep him safe during all of those times that make him feel scared and out of control.

  2. I agree with SocialWkr24/7. Go ahead and do some smaller fun things. Tell him that he deserves it even when he thinks he needs to punish himself. My kids do self-sabotage stuff all the time. I never tell them about fun stuff ahead of time, or going places ahead of time...then they worry and stress and fit out. Instead, 10 minutes before we have to leave, I explain exactly what it is going to happen: "we are getting in the car to go to the grocery store. We will buy food. You can pick out what you like but no candy. Then we will drive home."

    They have anxiety over everything. I bet your little guy does too. It helps to explain even the most basic of things. When we got T, we had to explain each step of the way. Like when we got to the grocery store, we would have to re-explain what would happen in the store and what she needed to do. Same with on the ride home.

    With that in mind...every kid is different. It just took me some time to discover this with my kids. Simple explanations for every little thing has helped my kids a lot. And maybe you are already doing this.

    And I totally agree with you. It is so hard to keep your heart full of love when our kids don't know how to love, but are good at absorbing your love without reciprocation. A judge I know explained it so well: one cannot love someone else until he learns how to love himself.

  3. I could have written this myself a year ago. Man that was an awful period to get through. We tried absolutely everything - and you know what we finally had to do? Medication. It took the edge off of his rages and now he is able to function as a normal kid. It's been a Godsend. We had daily rages. X10. It was awful for all of us, and it was getting dangerous. Big hugs your way as you get through this. It's a long road but so worth it. Is he in therapy? Play therapy has also helped mine SO MUCH.