I just got off the phone with the adoptive Mom. This visit is going well. Lil' Man is sleeping much better and has spent less time in time out.
He slapped the adoptive Mom in the face, and immediately started crying because he knew he had done something wrong.
The adoptive parents had a meeting with their case worker on Thursday. Their worker suggests that they not sign any papers until after Lil' Mans doctors apt at the FAS clinic.
The adoptive Mom agreed. She then said "the only thing that would stop us from adopting is if they tell us he is going to be a serial killer when he's older."
Lil' mans apt is over five weeks away. Is it normal for a transition to last 13 plus weeks? My gut is telling me no.
Does a long transition have negative effects?
If we keep him until mid April, he might as well stay until the end of the school year. The school year ends mid May.
Is it fair for Lil' man to miss school every Friday for the next five weeks? Will his case worker drive 4 hours there and back every Friday? Should we do visits every other weekend?
Any suggestions?
Keep in mind Lil' man is our first placement so that whole transition thing is new to us.
I would say that he could move in with them at any time because most states have a 6 month waiting period before finalizing adoptions. This allows the family 6 months of having the child in their home to make sure things are going to work out before the finalization is granted by the judge. He would be placed in their home as a pre-adoptive placement which here in our state is still like a foster placement with the understanding that the family intends to adopt. I do not think it is reasonable to stretch these visits (transition) out until mid April. If the Dr. appointment can't be moved up then I would say he needs to move before the appointment.
ReplyDeleteWhat she said!
ReplyDeleteAre they kinda waffling on wanting to adopt him? Have they seen that things may not be what they thought? I think a long transition can be too confusing to live between 2 households. He needs all the stability that he can get. hmmmmm... sounds kinda fishy to me.
ReplyDeletePeace to you all.
DFACS will not place him until they sign the pre-adoptive paper work. Stating they intend to adopt. Their worker suggests they wait until after the appt to sign. Hes better off now than he was at the last apt so they arent going to learn anything worse. The apt cannot be moved, it was made a year ago (before we even got him).
ReplyDeleteWe had a six month wait for T. Every month was worse on her than the last and it took her about a year to recover because she was so strung out by the time it happened. Time moves SOOOO slow for kids and it really messes with their heads. IMO, this is not in your kids' best interests...it shows that they are not 100% if they are "listening to their worker". They have minds of their own for pete's sakes. I am guessing that this is their first adoption from foster care??
ReplyDeleteAnyway, no one can tell if a 4 or 5 yr old is going to grow up to be a serial killer by a bunch of strangers doing a day or two long assessment. It is bogus. You get interesting information, but all the information in the world does not predict the future. They need to shit or get off the pot, IMO.
I agree 110%! I am so annoyed Monday morning cannot come fast enough. I am interested to see what Lil' Man's case worker has to say. I assumed the intent to adopt papers had been signed before he went for his firs weekend visit. This is their first adoption
ReplyDeleteWe had several transitions that lasted 5 months plus. One was a situation similar to yours Lil' Man. The child had some behaviors that presented serious issues and a FASE diagnosis. We slowly introduced visits and worked up to weekends and then to half weeks until we finally transitioned completely. It was a S-L-O-W process but it did end up working in the best interest of the child, the transition was seamless and there was hardly a honeymoon phase at all. BUT, this child was 4 and not in school. I would be concerned that they have not signed anything stating intent to adopt and they are having visits. That is a recipe for disaster in my experience. Either they are committed or they are not, there is no middle of the fence with a child's life. He is old enough to be severely traumatized if they back out. They are doing him a disservice right now. I think I would start lobbying for a quicker transition, they are not going to learn anything new in that appointment so it seems stupid to drag this out. Sounds like their worker is a big part of the problem!
ReplyDeleteyep, I agree with everyone else. I am assuming she was kidding when she made that comment about the serial killer. Surely she knows that no one would be able to predict that. Lil' man has FAS, he not a psychopath. Jeez. He shows remorse and is able to connecr with others. Lil' man is going to grow up to be a wonderful person. He has had a great (re)start to life b/c of you and W. the adoptive parents need to commit or get lost. He deserves a forever family YESTERDAY!
ReplyDeleteIt is as interesting for me to read these opinions as it is for you. i will be doing this soon as well. lots to think about.
ReplyDeleteI tend to think the opposite of the rest. I think longer transitions are better, especially if the child is in school, but would probably advocate for the every other weekend option. If she has doubts it would be better to go slower than have a disruption in a year or two. It's also really hard when children have to change schools in the middle of a semester like that. Just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI can see where the other commenters are coming from - and it definitely sounds like the adoptive parents may be a little flaky. BUT, I think that there are times when a long transition is good. Now when he moves it won't be strange to him, and he won't have as much difficulty leaving your home. With our last placement we purposely set weekend visits in place ahead of time so that it would be easier for him to leave.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I totally thought I commented here - but I didn't! I've had transitions last longer than 2-3 months but most foster parents tried to make it shorter. While it is sometimes stressful for the child, it is more traumatic for him to move in completely and then have placement disrupt. The adoptive mom has always seemed pretty sure that they are committed to him from what I've read in your posts. But they are new to this and so it makes sense that they would follow their worker's lead. Its more annoying that their worker is telling them to wait for an assessment that isn't really going to tell them that much about his future chances of becoming a "serial killer". (Although, I know some people who have adopted kids who DID have assessments saying exactly that! They didn't become serial killers FYI.) I'd see if the appointment can be moved up for everyone's sake - but I wouldn't rule out the adoptive parents for listening to their worker.
ReplyDeleteHowever, in the future, I would NEVER tell a kid that a family was their "adoptive/forever family" unless that paper was signed. They can visit as "friends of the family" until the parents are committed and then told shortly before they actually move. This is always the struggle/risk with pre-placement visits...