Visions of my my Mum's last weeks have been crossing my mind each night as I try to fall asleep. It's like a bad dream, that leaves me full of fear, and totally breathless.
When you are wrapped up in such a horrible situation you don't notice the regression. It's only after the shock wears off that your body/brain starts to process everything that has taken place.
When I first arrived in Virginia my Mum was able to eat, and talk using little oxygen. Within a week and a half of me being there she was eating less, and less and requiring more, and more oxygen. With in hours things went down hill quickly, and before I knew it my Mum was being intabated .
I had pains in my chest, and a lump in my throat my body was shaking as they asked me to leave my Mums bed side. I told her not to worry, and that I would be back in as soon as they allowed me. I can still see the fear in her eyes, and she was gasping for breath.
I remember calling my sister and crying/ yelling down the phone, that I needed someone with me, because I didn't want to be alone if this was going to be the end.
Thankfully she was successfully intabated, which gave us several more weeks with our Mum. During the first week of being on the vent, Mum was able to talk, and communicate with us.
I read to her, sang songs, talk about the old times, and read all the notes of encouragement, that people left on her care page. Sometime she would ask me to stop reading because the notes were making her sad. I made sure I told her how much I, and everyone else loved her.
I washed her hair, did her make up, lotioned her feet, brushed her teeth, but in the end I couldn't save her. I didn't have the magic wand.
My heart hurts for the things I have lost. For the moments my Mum will not get to witness. Sometimes I think the pain is unbearable, but then I think of all my Mum endured, and know that I must be strong.
With tears streaming down my face, please know that one day I will be okay, because my Mother taught me to be strong.
I love you Mum.