I have lost my mind! I logged into facebook this evening, and burst out crying. I was crying at all of my friends and family's kids dressed up for Halloween. I really need to get myself together. I don't even know why I was crying.
Maybe it's because last year we had Lil' Man to take trick or treating. Just another reminder of what's missing in our life.
Maybe its a little bit of jealously because they have something I so desperately want.
Maybe next year.
Friday I got a phone call from our resource coordinator letting me know what training/paper work we needed to re-certify. Hubby and I spent the weekend going over the pro's and con's of staying with them or switching to DFACS. We have decided to make the switch.
How does one break up with their foster care agency?
We've been with them for almost two years. The staff is great, and they offer a lot of support. But the office is 59 miles away. Whenever there is a mandatory training I have to take off work because of the distance. We are responsible for brining any foster placement to the agency at least once a month. But those are all minor details.
The biggest issues if the lack of placements,and their honesty. When we first signed up with them I asked over and over again "Do you routinely place children under the age of seven, as well as children with medical problems?" Each time I was assured they do. Since we have been with the agency they have only placed two children within our age range, one of which was Lil' Man.
Would it be wrong from me to send our agency's director an email? Or do I need to suck it up and call? What should I say?
Today I spoke with DFACS. It will take about four months for us to get a new license (annoying) Our training might carry over, but they cannot use the same home study. Background checks also need to be re-ran.
I'm getting tired of all this waiting!!
The weather has been gorgeous here lately. Mid 50's in the morning and heating up into the mid 80's by 5pm. The boys and I have been spending all of our free time out doors. One day last week we hit up three parks and went on a golf cart ride!
Hubby is recovering well. He had his staples removed last Thursday (a week post-op) they put steri-strips over the incision that should stay on for another week.
On Friday the playgroup that I run is having our 1st Halloween bash. I've got a lot to do between now and then. Poor P doesn't even have a costume yet!
The construction has been put on hold for another week in order for the hubs to heal. Hopefully we can start back on it soon.
Today hubs and I spent the afternoon/evening in the big city (remember we live in the deep south) we went clothes shopping, to the book store and then to dinner. Then my dear hubby surprised me with a dozen roses. He's simply the best!
Lil Man's case worker just stopped by to get the rest of his belongings. Last night I went around the house gathering the rest of his stuff. This makes it all so finial. He's definitely not coming back.
I worry about him.
His birth Mom failed him, his case worker has failed him, countless foster parents have failed him, and now you can add our name to the list. Our "mission" was to get him ready to move onto his forever family. We came very close...twice
But coming close isnt good enough. Look where it has ended.
I worry about the type of home he's in now. His case worker told me to hold onto his life book, and all of the things in his "keep box" (birthday cards, special things he's made, misc pictures, etc) because she's worried the current foster Mom would throw it away, or let him destroy it.
She said whenever she goes to see Lil' Man he asks "Are you here to take me to K and W's house?" Several people have asked if its possible for us to go and visit him. The answer to that is no, because of his special needs. His brain doesn't function like a normal child's he's traumatized. Us visiting and then leaving could set him back for months or even years.
At the end of the month he is getting a new case worker, one that has a small case load, and works with kids who have lingered in the system too long. Her goal is to get him stabilized, and to hopefully get him adopted. I doubt she will be as forthcoming with us with information about Lil' Man so this may be the last update we get on him.
I hope he gets adopted into a wonderful family. Who knows maybe one day down the road we can behind to build our relationship all over again.
Can I have a re-do? Or at least a nap?
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Former President Ronald Reagan in 1988.
It was officially recognized in the United States in 2006. October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day, a special day to honor and acknowledge babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, prematurity complications, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome-SIDS, illness, accidents, and other tragic causes.
In addition to your own personal tributes, it is asked that you light a candle at 7pm on October 15th, so that a continuous light will shine around the world in remembrance of our precious babies, gone too soon.
Hubby has been in surgery for a little more than half an hour. Keep your finger crossed all goes well!
***Surgery went well, hubby is at home resting in bed. We have a follow up appointment in a week to have the stitches (OUCH) removed.***
Happy 10th birthday my sweet sweet Angel.
Teagyn was born on October 13, 2000 with a rare genetic peroxisomal disorder by the name of D-bifunctional protein deficiency. Sadly on January 8, 2005 Teagyn lost her battle, and went home to be with God.
Teagyn was the light of our life, in her four short years she endured more, than most adults will in a life time. Despite her illness Teagyn lead a full life, she enjoyed playing with her daycare buddies, and her cousin Jannae.
She liked painting, going to the park, playing in the backyard, eating chocolate, and of course drinking slurpees. Not a day goes by that her precious face does not cross my mind. I often wonder what she would look like, or what she would be "into" if she were still here on Earth.
Birthdays In Heaven
Are there birthdays in Heaven?
Does the angel blow his horn?
Announcing to everybody That this is the day you were born?
Can the stars be your balloons?
And angel food your cake?
Presents wrapped in moonbeams
All the angels helped to make.
Birthdays meant so much to you
They were always a big deal Birthday presents,
lots of friends and perhaps a special meal.
So I'll whisper a little prayer today
Asking everyone up above To sing you a Happy Birthday song
And give you all my love.
Author unknown
Yesterday out of the blue I came tumbling down. It appears I tripped over thin air. My right foot gave way as I was stepping forward which caused me to fall. Some how my left foot ended up under my rear.
My poor husband freaked as I lay on the floor with my foot in the air. I was not able to bend any of my toes. They quickly turned purple, with a nice shade of bluish black mixed in.
To stop my husband from having a heart attack I told him I would go to urgent care. It appears I have severely sprained my foot, as well as all my toes.
I am able to bear weight, with a support boot on.
Come Thursday hubby and I will be quiet the pair.
Never a dull moment!
Last night I cried myself to sleep. As each month passes its getting harder not easier. It seems everyone and their Granny is pregnant. People ask "how are you doing." I just smile and say "okay" because they really don't want to hear what I have to say.
Since hubby's surgery is this month we're kind of in "limbo". If surgery is successful his count should be normal by January. January seems like a lifetime away.
We have waffled back and fourth trying to decided if we should go see the fertility specialist or not. I canceled the appointment we had on Wednesday. By Thursday I was freaking out over the cancellation. (NUTS)
It doesn't help that the phone isnt ringing. Are we not even good enough (in God) eyes to be foster parents?
Last week I left a message for Lil' Man's worker asking her to give me a call because I still have half of Lil' Mans stuff (she didnt have space in her car for all of it). I have called several times, because its starting to get cold outside. Most of the stuff I have is winter clothes. She told me she wont be coming until the end of the month (whatever)
She also told me that he has moved into a foster home (was in several respite homes). He lives with a family that has their own 10 yr old daughter. They live on a few acres and have horses. I bet Lil' Man is enjoying the horses.
His behaviors have no improved. They put him back on stimulants and he flipped. He is semi under control at home, but still running away, and raging constantly at school.
Mrs A (the case worker) said that whenever she visits Lil' Man asks "are you here to take me to see K and W (me and hubby). I regret that we disrupted the placement because he's no better off where he is now. I thought they would follow through with residential and he would get the help he needed.
A new worker is taking over his case at the end of the month. I doubt she will be as willing to chat with me about him and his case. I told Mrs A I wanted our name and address written down and given to the adoptive family. If and when he gets adopted.
Nothing too exciting. What's going on in your life?
Last week a local military man, Chief Petty Officer Mc X was killed in a helicopter crash in southern Afghanistan. Today his friends, and family said good bye to him with full military honors. As the funeral procession made its with the the cemetery, thousands of us line the streets . We stood waving flags in order to show our respect to his family, and to give our thanks to the400 military men and woman who where in attendance.
Tears rolled down my face as I caught sight of his family. How proud they must be of their husband and son.
Death leaves a heartache No one can heal; Love leaves a memory No one can steal. RIP
