Monday, September 15, 2008

The stages



How can it be, almost a year already?  How can your mind me stuck in one place in time,  yet the days, weeks, and, months fly by.

There is no denying it any longer, she isn't coming back.  The shock of the trauma that I endured watching her suffer, is also fading. I have been trying my best to stay in the "shock, and denial stage" it's the easiest of the stages to handle.

Next comes unbelievable pain, coupled with huge amounts of guilt.  Did I tell her I love her enough? Was I a good daughter?  Did I do everything in my power to save her?

Where is she? What is she thinking?

Why her?  Why me? Why us?

How do I help my sisters deal with their grief when I can't even help myself? How do I face the rest of my life, without her? 


  1. Karen,

    I am on the foster care support yahoo group with you. I know the pain you are feeling, however, I lost my big sis in March. She was only 32. I miss her more every day. More today than yesterday. I often wonder if I could have done more. I did not get tell her all of the things I should have. There was too much turmoil. I have major regrets. I can only hope that she can hear my prayers. I don't know about you but I go on living my "normal" life and then all of a sudden it hits me that my sister is not here to share it. I am trying to help my mom and younger sister but the grief is too much and I feel like a hypocrit telling her it will be o.k. when I really don't know that it will. You are not alone.


  2. Dear Karen,
    I enjoyed reading your blog and this entry really touched me.
    This past week I have had such a hard time sleeping and my stomach has been in discomfort for quite a few nights now. My birthday is coming up and it is hitting me subconsciously at first, but now consiously that my father will not be there...and 5 days later it will be my parent's 51st anniversary.
    It sometimes feels like my heart will never stop bleeding, but I continue to talk to him and smile after every thought and mental conversation. I don't think I will ever truly believe he is gone from us forever...he is with us by heart for family meant everything to him.
    I feel your Mom is watching over you too with a proud smile of what a wonderful woman you have become. Although we have only met recently, it is obvious what a big heart and loving spirit you have.
    Thank you for listening to me these past months with my Dad's illness and death. It has meant alot to me.

  3. Sandra,

    Isn't in crazy how and mind and body allows us to grieve without our permission? Unfortunately from my passed experience with grief, I have come to realize, that as important events/dates creep up on us we sometimes unknowingly become upset, and easily depressed.

    Two days before Mothers day, I couldn't keep myself together, I kept crying, and snapping at Wayne. I had no clue what was wrong with me. He finally asked me "What's wrong with you", and I yelled "Sunday is Mothers day." I wasn't even thinking about Mothers day, but my mind had other plans.

    I know that most people shy away whenever the word death is mention, but please know I am here for you, if you ever need someone to talk too, even in the middle of the night.

    Take care