Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Four years have gone, how can that be? (part 2)


All of our family came to the hospital, and we tried to make sense of what just happened.  I mean we knew she was sick, but had no idea she was deathly sick.  We spent countless hours in the hospital that night, holding Teagyn.  Soaking in all of her features, and her sweet smell.

I remember her body stiffing, she moved slightly.  I wanted to shout "She's not dead she just moved."  but I knew better. The nurses came in, and we took hand, and foot prints.  We cut a few locks of Teagyn's hair as a keep sake.

We all gave her one last kiss, and tucked her into bed.  Reality had not set it, this seemed like a bad dream. 

We visited Teagyn each day in the funeral home, we even held her which confused some people.


Above: Me holding Angel Teagyn

But we did what felt right.  Her funeral was lovely, she was lovely, just as pretty as usual.  There were so many items in her casket.. She barley fit.

Sleeping beauty

Shock, and denial became our best friend.  I remember  the day it really hit me.  My sister Nicola, and I were going to the store for something.  We put our shoes on, walked our the door, and buckled ourselves into the car. It seemed strange there was nor preparation.  No folding down Teagyn's wheelchair  no oxygen tank, no suction machine or medication,most importantly there was no Teagyn.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Grief is an intense state, it hurts your being.  It takes away your breath.It makes you see life through a different pair of glasses.  While grieving nothing else or no one else matters.  You just do what you have to in order to survive.There were many nights I cried myself to sleep. How was I supposed to live life without Teagyn she was my life, our life, our life revolved around Teagyn, and her medical needs.

In the four years since Teagyn's passing,  I no longer cry myself to sleep at night.  When I think of Teagyn they are of the great times we spent together.  It is of her big brown eyes, her sweet pearly white smile.

I remember the walks, the vacations, the sunny days floating in the pool with Teagyn.  I remember her laugh, her facial expressions, I remember her favorite foods (chocolate, slurpee's, tomato soup, apple sauce)

Oh I remember it all...

Now don't get my wrong, I would give anything to see her a again, to have found a cure for her disease. I grieve for the times we do not get to share, birthdays, holidays, first days of school, shopping tips, sleepovers, and summer holidays.

When I think of Teagyn, I smile.

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