Hurting

I am a ball of emotions right now, sad angry, and confused. I should be 39 weeks pregnant, and expecting the birth of my sweet baby. Instead I sit here with an empty stomach and a broken heart. I just "knew" in my heart that I would be pregnant again before my due date. Surely God isn't that cruel. I am 13 days passed ovulation, and the witch is due tomorrow.

I took a pregnancy test thins morning it was negative.

A miscarriage is devastating within itself, but to have a miscarriage on top of fertility issues is doubly devastating. Month after month you sit on pines and needles hoping and praying that this is the month. Finally you get a big fat positive , you get excited, you cry, you tell anyone that will listen. You make plans for the future, think about names, and even shop online for baby furniture. Only to have your hopes, your dreams, and your future taken away in a instant. "i'm sorry there is no heartbeat."

Month after month you lie to yourself "this will be the month, I just know it." "Oh my b00bs hurt, I must be pregnant." only to be let down once again. Your desperate to become pregnant but terrified all the same, you know what can happen, and that scares you. Yet your hope for one day holding a baby in your arms, our weighs the pain of negative tests, and the terror of anything miscarriage.

Your Dr tells you the only way to get pregnant is with IVF, but that isnt an option right now. Friends tell you to relax, and it will happen. You pretend your happy when friends announce they are pregnant, and you bawl like a baby when you get a birth announcement in the mail. Jealously sucks

Some how you keep on going, because what choice do you have? You know that some where some how you will become a Mummy. Why cant it be now?